Ok I decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year..
so if' i'm not on here writing away.. that is where i'll be...
joining a whole rank of other crazy wanna be's talka be's who are going to write a novel in a month.
What is NaNoWriMo?
National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30.
I got the idea and the plot down.. been thinking sporadically about names and character info .. but i think i will wing it.. aside from the skeletal framework.. I'm going to just go ahead and write.. I think its a good story.. and i havent written any stories in a while.. so we shall see.. I have to get down..
Good things do happen and sometimes they happen in 3's
Good things
-yesterday was the first airing of a tv show i am the co-host of
-IT was GREAT! tony the tiger GRRREAT!
-I had so much fun.
-why am i writing with bullets?
so as not to seem as if nothing good ever happens to me.. Here is the goodness.
My friend Naz invited me to be the co-host on a local TV show he's starting called the Mind Set. It was his idea to bring the local poets,mc's and vocalist to the forefront. Not completely original and kinda Def jamish.. BUT! Who else was doing it at the time? No one.. I decided not to go in there nervous.. I went. I had a great time. Felt a new kinda high.. A new kinda happy. It was great. WE had 6 artist total. 5 poets and 1 vocalist. We had callers. People were watching!!!!! and mad positive feedback. The camera guy loved it. Told us to go ahead and start making business cards. I didn't know it was serious like that. But.. People are watching. People are loving it. And they say.. Naz and Jam make a good team. ;)
I'm happy. Good stuff is happening. People kept telling me I was pretty on camera.. I thought they were just being nice. Then a friend of mine said it.. And i realized I wasnt taking this pretty thing like i have in the past. I usually seek it. This time. It was like. I know.. and it was nice you acknowledged it. thank you. I didn't need to hear it for my ego or my low self esteem. It was very affirming. and i finally could accept it. So then i noticed alot of people kept telling me WE looked good on camera.. And i was like wow.. I didnt know. I still don't know. I haven't seen the tape. It is a live show. But Naz taped it too. So we shall see. I want to see how my glow transports to television.
But i'm really excited. About the show. I didn't know what kind of response we would get but it seems people are really feeling it. The phone lines were off the hook. The poets were off the hook and the vocalist Beloved..Well she's always off the hook. I had to tell her.. Her music is healing. When she sings.. And she sang acapella. I feel so good inside.. Not much music can do that for me. And trust. I have a LARGE collection of cd's. I buy cd's instead of clothes sometimes. In the height of my anger a few months ago I was buying 1 to 2 cd's minimum a week. more if i went to plan 9. Cuz plan 9 resells cds...needless to say.. i often buy music searching to fill a void.. and her music is what i've been searching for. amazing.
I wonder what next Thursday will bring??
Hey Tell me what is up with Halloween?? It used to be fun when i was younger. Today its just another friday but people decided not to wear their regular casual friday gear.. that got lax and wore costumes instead. The kids down here trick o' treat in the mall. It's 11:24pm and we have a big ass bowl full of candy.. Like no kids came by.. And let me tell you.. the funniest costume was this big kid like 15 in a suit with his momma's wig on.. I was like who are you, Al Sharpton? I was serious.. his friend said that he was Ike. Oh that's better.. IKE Turner? I dont know what's better. Al Sharpton or Ike turner.. but im rooting for Al Sharpton.. IF that was who this kid was.. He should have won the prize.. it was an excellent likeness. :)
Trick or Treat!
-yesterday was the first airing of a tv show i am the co-host of
-IT was GREAT! tony the tiger GRRREAT!
-I had so much fun.
-why am i writing with bullets?
so as not to seem as if nothing good ever happens to me.. Here is the goodness.
My friend Naz invited me to be the co-host on a local TV show he's starting called the Mind Set. It was his idea to bring the local poets,mc's and vocalist to the forefront. Not completely original and kinda Def jamish.. BUT! Who else was doing it at the time? No one.. I decided not to go in there nervous.. I went. I had a great time. Felt a new kinda high.. A new kinda happy. It was great. WE had 6 artist total. 5 poets and 1 vocalist. We had callers. People were watching!!!!! and mad positive feedback. The camera guy loved it. Told us to go ahead and start making business cards. I didn't know it was serious like that. But.. People are watching. People are loving it. And they say.. Naz and Jam make a good team. ;)
I'm happy. Good stuff is happening. People kept telling me I was pretty on camera.. I thought they were just being nice. Then a friend of mine said it.. And i realized I wasnt taking this pretty thing like i have in the past. I usually seek it. This time. It was like. I know.. and it was nice you acknowledged it. thank you. I didn't need to hear it for my ego or my low self esteem. It was very affirming. and i finally could accept it. So then i noticed alot of people kept telling me WE looked good on camera.. And i was like wow.. I didnt know. I still don't know. I haven't seen the tape. It is a live show. But Naz taped it too. So we shall see. I want to see how my glow transports to television.
But i'm really excited. About the show. I didn't know what kind of response we would get but it seems people are really feeling it. The phone lines were off the hook. The poets were off the hook and the vocalist Beloved..Well she's always off the hook. I had to tell her.. Her music is healing. When she sings.. And she sang acapella. I feel so good inside.. Not much music can do that for me. And trust. I have a LARGE collection of cd's. I buy cd's instead of clothes sometimes. In the height of my anger a few months ago I was buying 1 to 2 cd's minimum a week. more if i went to plan 9. Cuz plan 9 resells cds...needless to say.. i often buy music searching to fill a void.. and her music is what i've been searching for. amazing.
I wonder what next Thursday will bring??
Hey Tell me what is up with Halloween?? It used to be fun when i was younger. Today its just another friday but people decided not to wear their regular casual friday gear.. that got lax and wore costumes instead. The kids down here trick o' treat in the mall. It's 11:24pm and we have a big ass bowl full of candy.. Like no kids came by.. And let me tell you.. the funniest costume was this big kid like 15 in a suit with his momma's wig on.. I was like who are you, Al Sharpton? I was serious.. his friend said that he was Ike. Oh that's better.. IKE Turner? I dont know what's better. Al Sharpton or Ike turner.. but im rooting for Al Sharpton.. IF that was who this kid was.. He should have won the prize.. it was an excellent likeness. :)
Trick or Treat!
Unconscious Mutterings
when it all comes down to it.. it's me against the world
They said i was a rebellious child becuase i didn't do what they said.
Then i was a reclusive child b/c I didn't want to fight and tuned into myself. Stayed holed up my room with my music, my pen and my pad. They didn't know what to do with me. I was overqualified and underachieving. Talented, but quiet. Bright, but closed. What to do?
something else that comes to my thinking mind. I have a history of angry men in my life.
My stepfather was an angry man who always took his anger out on me. Don't know why. Could never understand it. But he did.
And Xman.. Maybe i just noticed it. But he is also an always angry soul and i wonder why it is about me. That i keep meeting people like this. And i have come to realize. IT is not necessarily me they are angry at but circumstances that involve me.
IS there a light these souls can see that they are trying to dampen? IS my happiness just to much too handle. My internal joy too overflowing. MY personality too much. I wish i knew what it was.. or are they the reflection of my internal anger that i never express.. cuz i don't really like feeling angry!
I do believe that my need to know why may keep me stuck. So i guess i just have to realize.. there will be people like this close to me i my life. and i can be stuck in the pain they give me or move the hell on!
Then i was a reclusive child b/c I didn't want to fight and tuned into myself. Stayed holed up my room with my music, my pen and my pad. They didn't know what to do with me. I was overqualified and underachieving. Talented, but quiet. Bright, but closed. What to do?
something else that comes to my thinking mind. I have a history of angry men in my life.
My stepfather was an angry man who always took his anger out on me. Don't know why. Could never understand it. But he did.
And Xman.. Maybe i just noticed it. But he is also an always angry soul and i wonder why it is about me. That i keep meeting people like this. And i have come to realize. IT is not necessarily me they are angry at but circumstances that involve me.
IS there a light these souls can see that they are trying to dampen? IS my happiness just to much too handle. My internal joy too overflowing. MY personality too much. I wish i knew what it was.. or are they the reflection of my internal anger that i never express.. cuz i don't really like feeling angry!
I do believe that my need to know why may keep me stuck. So i guess i just have to realize.. there will be people like this close to me i my life. and i can be stuck in the pain they give me or move the hell on!
Today's AhA !
Things only have the meaning you attribute to them...
(things aka people, items, places, memories,stank nasty people etc... you know.. Thangs... )
(things aka people, items, places, memories,
cool and down to earth people
ok for reeeaal. Taking step back and looking at my circle.. I hang out with a group of cool and down to earth people.
Everyone is mad peace, mad love, mad cool. and dawns on me that..
Opposites do not attract. Opposites repel. And WTF! was i doing with a wannabe?
Like it's okay to act as if until you get there.. but if all your doing is acting then that doesn't work.
IF all your doing is acting like your down to earth and cool like the rest of us down to earth people.. Uhh First of all
we can smell your fake ass coming..Second of all.. This is not something you have to front on.. IT just is..
being down to earth and cool is not something you cultivate.. Either you are or you aren't.. and the only reason i know i am in that crowd.. is because.. 1) it kept coming in conversation when people were talking to me. 2) like attracts like.. and as i looked around i noticed..that everyone in my crowd.. acted alike... they were cool and down to earth people.. thus... the summation.
But i digress.. ALOT... the fact is.. Everone cannot mesh.. some of us are opposites.. and what was seen in the beginning? .. Besides a love for potential?a need for attention ?. which many are good on fronting on..I always fall in love with people's potential.. And then get snagged in the end.. I'm gonna need for me to find some people who are not on the way.. but already there.. I have no problem being the supportive girl, friend, cool down to earth person with the warm personna.. but uhh.. if all i do is support your ego.. then that is not working for Miss J.
So all that to say. Opposites do not attract... Like attracts Like. And i was going to say the only opposites would be your out to my in..
But that is a compliment not an opposite.. The ying to my yang, the in to my out.. or the in to your out.. as the case may be...
I don't want to meet someone again who is lying to themselves.. about who they are and where they are going... I need for someone to be honest with themselves.. First and always.. B/C I am trying my best to be honest with myself.. constantly.
And the fact is..
I've met someone cool and down to earth.. who is DOING SOMETHING .. not just talking shit.. but walking that walk... has is own is doing his own.. and i think.. that is a better fit for me...
B/C opposites do not attract.. and us cool and down to earth people.. know a fraud when he first starts putting together the thought of approching us.. it doesn't work.. Take off your mask and be you.. Someone actually will like you... Hey.. it's worked for me..
Disclaimer: My feelings are liable to change on a whim.. and hey there is no hate here.. but understand.. i'm "working" through some thangs.. ;) thanks.. the management
in the morning the suns gonna shine
ok.. in the midsts of my anger.. i didn't want to hear a damn thing about sunny morningz. cuz morning would come and uhh.. that shit wasn't sunny.. even when the sun was shining.. i couldn't feel it. But this week in this week of rain. I like to think that the earth is crying for me. Because I cried last Wednesday. All wednesday. That was enough for me.. This week the earth cries and I feel better and morning is something I look forward to. This morning I got up at 7:07... Feeling Life. Feeling Wonderful. Actually happy to be alive. Said outloud. "It's great to be alive". My silly ass was in the mirror right before I jumped in the shower making faces, laughing and smiling. Recalling my lanky youth.. and admiring my long limbs... proud that my 100 AM & PM crunches and ab exercises are showing visible progress. It was great. My face was soft (thanks to the shea butter i put on b4 bed) my skin was soft, my eyes were bright and shining.. I was loving it!
And it makes me think once again. IT's not time that heals a broken heart. It's a change of perspective and love of self. Today, this morning I could listen to MaryMary sing that song and be in accordance with their joy.
I am so damn happy. It's not b/c I had a talk with a friend that let me know that xman is not being just shady and brandnew with me but with other people as well... It's not b/c on my drive home last night I realized.. what is and what is not god in a situation and I have ALWAYS been suspect of people who attribute their actions to that of a God directive. No, It's not b/c I did 2 pieces last night and got mad love or froze in the middle of the end of one.. no...it's not b/c this brother walked up to me and told me he heard i just broke up with my boyfriend and that, that was Good News.. no...
This morning... the sun was shining... inside... and i woke up knowing it, feeling .. it was going to be a beautiful day.. The raindrops were kissing my skin and the wind was lifting my skirt.. and darn.. It's a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL day to be alive. ;) j
And it makes me think once again. IT's not time that heals a broken heart. It's a change of perspective and love of self. Today, this morning I could listen to MaryMary sing that song and be in accordance with their joy.
I am so damn happy. It's not b/c I had a talk with a friend that let me know that xman is not being just shady and brandnew with me but with other people as well... It's not b/c on my drive home last night I realized.. what is and what is not god in a situation and I have ALWAYS been suspect of people who attribute their actions to that of a God directive. No, It's not b/c I did 2 pieces last night and got mad love or froze in the middle of the end of one.. no...it's not b/c this brother walked up to me and told me he heard i just broke up with my boyfriend and that, that was Good News.. no...
This morning... the sun was shining... inside... and i woke up knowing it, feeling .. it was going to be a beautiful day.. The raindrops were kissing my skin and the wind was lifting my skirt.. and darn.. It's a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL day to be alive. ;) j
MY God is a God of laughter
I believe God is a comedienne. She must be... He must be. IT must be!
Today here is the affirmation from this site i get emails from .. called Your Daily Affirmation.com
I love and respect my ability to look at life on the positive side. I choose to let go of my feelings of self-importance and all of the negative dramas in my life.
Funny right? or maybe you don't know why. I mailed my "x" back the pictures of me that i requested. For the simple fact that. 1) I know what I look like. 2) After I got them, I realized i didn't really want them 3) He could have them-b/c i know for a fact that I am in the process of changing again. I may never look that way again. and if that is the me he knew.. Perhaps he should remember me just like that.. I won't be that dumb bitch again.
So i called 1) because in reality.. I haven't let go. I thought this friend thing could work but i realized.. if his god is telling him that we are not supposed to be together.. Us trying to make a friendship work is most likely against the rules as well.. Get out, means get out.. So i call.. and get mad attitude.. Another sign that i am a glutton for punishment. I want sorrow and explanations. I get attitude.. Then he tells me.. That his Girlfriend.. Doesn't want me calling.. It makes her upset.. It's a sign of disrespect.. Do you know what is disrespectful.. Not allowing me to mourn and babble in the way I need to.. Do you know what is disrespectful? LEADING someone on for months and expecting them to be over you in a morning.. THAT SHIT IS CRAZY!
So almost a week later.. I am dredging the floor of my emotions trying to get the remaining sludge out.. I was almost there.. but i knew this friendship thing was wrong.. So i called. So i laughed when he told me... what she said.. I already knew... I knew I shouldn't be calling him.. But there is a little corner of hope in my soul.. that says.. HE is not a complete ASS! I have been known to be very wrong on many things..
My mothers "Friend" says the best revenge is doing well. VERY WELL . And i believe that. As long as my only motivation is not just to make him jealous.. IT won't work and won't be beneficial to me if i am doing something to make somone who is unable to be human jealous... No.. What i am doing is for me.... I have dreams i have been harboring for years that have gone unleashed, untouched, un lived... it's way past time..
and i have to believe that..
I have to finally cry and release this burden.. ive been dragging for months.. I am trying to be the bigger person here... And i feel I have been when I haven't gone out of my way to dog people out.. My conscience is clear..Its just my feelings that are hurt.. and that.. my dear... heals... in time.. not with it.. but in it..
Today here is the affirmation from this site i get emails from .. called Your Daily Affirmation.com
I love and respect my ability to look at life on the positive side. I choose to let go of my feelings of self-importance and all of the negative dramas in my life.
Funny right? or maybe you don't know why. I mailed my "x" back the pictures of me that i requested. For the simple fact that. 1) I know what I look like. 2) After I got them, I realized i didn't really want them 3) He could have them-b/c i know for a fact that I am in the process of changing again. I may never look that way again. and if that is the me he knew.. Perhaps he should remember me just like that.. I won't be that dumb bitch again.
So i called 1) because in reality.. I haven't let go. I thought this friend thing could work but i realized.. if his god is telling him that we are not supposed to be together.. Us trying to make a friendship work is most likely against the rules as well.. Get out, means get out.. So i call.. and get mad attitude.. Another sign that i am a glutton for punishment. I want sorrow and explanations. I get attitude.. Then he tells me.. That his Girlfriend.. Doesn't want me calling.. It makes her upset.. It's a sign of disrespect.. Do you know what is disrespectful.. Not allowing me to mourn and babble in the way I need to.. Do you know what is disrespectful? LEADING someone on for months and expecting them to be over you in a morning.. THAT SHIT IS CRAZY!
So almost a week later.. I am dredging the floor of my emotions trying to get the remaining sludge out.. I was almost there.. but i knew this friendship thing was wrong.. So i called. So i laughed when he told me... what she said.. I already knew... I knew I shouldn't be calling him.. But there is a little corner of hope in my soul.. that says.. HE is not a complete ASS! I have been known to be very wrong on many things..
My mothers "Friend" says the best revenge is doing well. VERY WELL . And i believe that. As long as my only motivation is not just to make him jealous.. IT won't work and won't be beneficial to me if i am doing something to make somone who is unable to be human jealous... No.. What i am doing is for me.... I have dreams i have been harboring for years that have gone unleashed, untouched, un lived... it's way past time..
and i have to believe that..
I have to finally cry and release this burden.. ive been dragging for months.. I am trying to be the bigger person here... And i feel I have been when I haven't gone out of my way to dog people out.. My conscience is clear..Its just my feelings that are hurt.. and that.. my dear... heals... in time.. not with it.. but in it..
I don't believe it's time
Ive heard over and over, that it's time that heals a broken heart and i don't believe that... I think it's more like distance and a change of mind.. Replacing all of those constant thoughts of him with more of me and that guiding spirit. I wasted alot of time. But at the same time. I am struck by a quote i know and he said to me once.. "People are in your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime and when you figure out which one that person is there for you can act accordingly"
I read it several times in Iyanla Vanzants Acts of Faith book i've had since like 93... the pages are dogged and that quote remains the same.. What i can't get over is this man telling me when i didn't want to hear it.. That i am all of these things to him.. And i didn't believe it when he said it... Is that possible? and at the time right now i don't think so.. I think he had a reason and a seaon.. He has become Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde.. A Lifetime? I don't need somtimey people in my life forever. I don't need people taking out their frustrations on me when they are being tried by life.. But only time can truly tell if this is a lifetime relationship.. He doesn't seem capable of that right now.. But I say all that to say.. That this breakup.. I find is easier to handle when I call and find out that HE is not happy. IF he was happy.. I'd be pissed. IF he was enjoying his new girlfriend and life.. I'd be really pissed for wasting my time all these months.. But everytime I call shit gets worse.. And for a moment i feel justified.. That he is not having a good time either.. But then My Good Conscience slides in and I pray for him... Really... No one deserves to be so distraught and confused.. My friends and family want me to hate him.. But i can't.
If only you knew.. It's not time.. IT's growing and a change of perspective that heal a broken heart... Time.. just is...
Debra Killings
LSR V2: Independent Artist of the Week
Who knows why it happens.. But it does.
I saw this young lady in concert with the Evolution II tour.. went out the next day and got her cd.. IT was just what i was looking for.. I am in desperate need of fulfillment and inspiration.. and I have been looking for some more R&B type gospel... I found it... and i am so happy!
This lady's cd is off the hook.. Doesn't fully capture the awe of watching this little person playing a 6 String bass but the message and the music.. are just what i needed..
so the point of this post.. that everywhere i turn now.. i keep seeing her pop up.. and i'm not quite sure why that is.. and it applies to almost everything, cars, people, phrases..when they've entered into your attention.. you start to notice that thing/person/phrase everywhere..
Who knows why it happens.. But it does.
I saw this young lady in concert with the Evolution II tour.. went out the next day and got her cd.. IT was just what i was looking for.. I am in desperate need of fulfillment and inspiration.. and I have been looking for some more R&B type gospel... I found it... and i am so happy!
This lady's cd is off the hook.. Doesn't fully capture the awe of watching this little person playing a 6 String bass but the message and the music.. are just what i needed..
so the point of this post.. that everywhere i turn now.. i keep seeing her pop up.. and i'm not quite sure why that is.. and it applies to almost everything, cars, people, phrases..when they've entered into your attention.. you start to notice that thing/person/phrase everywhere..
i want to go outside in the rain
"so the people can't see me cry-ing"
today we met. Me and my friend.. We had the talk where i rant and rave about the injustice and we finally speak that this thing we had is OVER... has been over.. and i just didn't know.. so now i can move on.. and i don't hate him.. hate is not something i can do comfortably. feel sorry for him at times.. As much as i hate it.. i still care about him.. and hear him say the same... but i'm sorry.. doesn't really help me right now.. i am too busy crying out 4 months of pain and confusion.. and while it feels good. i know why i don't cry more often.. 1) it's too damn messy 2)it's makes people be all concerned for me and i don't want that type of attention. The attention where your praising my work is better.. yes.. you like my writing.. thank you. it took me awhile to grasp that.. but i like that more than people feeling sorry for me.
so i met this girl named Beloved at Verses last night.. she is a wonderful singer/guitarist from Colorado. reminds me of india.arie.. and i love her! but i played her cd this morning and that thing had me bawling.. must mean it's good music to affect me. everytime i replay the reason why.. i am no longer a contender.. i melt and pour out my emotions again.. in once aspect.. i know i need this.. am grateful for a release that's been needed since july.. but damn.. is it going to end.. and can i control this.. whenever my nosey friends asks me what happend.. i can't finish the damn sentences... i don't feel like talking.. i might blubber
and my friend from work didn't want to hear that we would be friends.. but that's what we decided... take it or leave it.. im even considering letting him have one of my pictures back... just b/c i'm a nice damn person!
how do we meet to break up and i end up being your support system, ear or what have you?
how does that work.. i can't even go an hour without tearing up..
Beloved has this lyric.. that my friend pointed out to me.. "You say my hearts too big for my own damn good!"
harsh.. but why do i understand that!?! damn... that is me.
and for all that care.. please stop telling me to be stop being sad..
I'm not crying cuz this is over.. i'm crying b/c i need to release.. this is a healing process.. stop trying to make me smile again.. there is a time for that.. it's just not right now..
even the sun goes away at night... but it returns every morning... it will be back!
j
today we met. Me and my friend.. We had the talk where i rant and rave about the injustice and we finally speak that this thing we had is OVER... has been over.. and i just didn't know.. so now i can move on.. and i don't hate him.. hate is not something i can do comfortably. feel sorry for him at times.. As much as i hate it.. i still care about him.. and hear him say the same... but i'm sorry.. doesn't really help me right now.. i am too busy crying out 4 months of pain and confusion.. and while it feels good. i know why i don't cry more often.. 1) it's too damn messy 2)it's makes people be all concerned for me and i don't want that type of attention. The attention where your praising my work is better.. yes.. you like my writing.. thank you. it took me awhile to grasp that.. but i like that more than people feeling sorry for me.
so i met this girl named Beloved at Verses last night.. she is a wonderful singer/guitarist from Colorado. reminds me of india.arie.. and i love her! but i played her cd this morning and that thing had me bawling.. must mean it's good music to affect me. everytime i replay the reason why.. i am no longer a contender.. i melt and pour out my emotions again.. in once aspect.. i know i need this.. am grateful for a release that's been needed since july.. but damn.. is it going to end.. and can i control this.. whenever my nosey friends asks me what happend.. i can't finish the damn sentences... i don't feel like talking.. i might blubber
and my friend from work didn't want to hear that we would be friends.. but that's what we decided... take it or leave it.. im even considering letting him have one of my pictures back... just b/c i'm a nice damn person!
how do we meet to break up and i end up being your support system, ear or what have you?
how does that work.. i can't even go an hour without tearing up..
Beloved has this lyric.. that my friend pointed out to me.. "You say my hearts too big for my own damn good!"
harsh.. but why do i understand that!?! damn... that is me.
and for all that care.. please stop telling me to be stop being sad..
I'm not crying cuz this is over.. i'm crying b/c i need to release.. this is a healing process.. stop trying to make me smile again.. there is a time for that.. it's just not right now..
even the sun goes away at night... but it returns every morning... it will be back!
j
30 Days of Love
Jennifer Keitt's Todays Black Woman: Daily Living
Today my attitude is different. I still feel slighted but I am trying to regain myself and realize the growth i have made. I had to look at what LOVE was.. and found this.. I found another site.. but i think i will add that to my links page.
Hate is not inherent in my being. I have throughly hated one person in my life and that is my stepfather. But i realize at this point in life.. i have finally gotten some distance from my pains of childhood and i know my friends are saying about time. I forgive my stepfather. And now it is time to forgive that man I gave my heart to. This is not the end. IT never was. And there are so many things I put off doing. Love shouldn't do that. It should allow me to grow and flourish. Not keep me stagnant. That should have been apparent to me.
Another reason for seeking a change today. This release of love and holding on to my pain has caused me to have pains in my heart.. Physically I have been in pain for the last 2 days and i am having a hard time breathing.. So i've been trying to release my anger in a productive way... Transforming my energy if you will. Because i am sure "he" is not going around hoping for an inhaler b/c his chest is tight and he spends the night weezing. My anger is blocking my breathing.. and my pain is causing me to have aches in my heart.. seriously..
I had to start mediatating and doing breathing exercises.. b/c i realized.. i stopped breathing at one point last night.. No Good!
No man is ever worth such hindrance to my being. I have so much i need to do.. Finish that novel. and start the next one.. Get those songs off my cell's memo and get them written and recorded, get my plans for my label and get back in school.. And i am wasting time on someone who NEVER made adequate time for me! WHY?!?!?!
As Lauryn says.. no man is ever worth the paradise manifest!
and this is her verse complete.. it speaks volumes for me.. why struggle with the words when Lauryn Hill has already done it for me??? I swear this girl is like a prophet or something...
You see I loved hard once, but the love wasn't returned
I found out the man I'd die for, he wasn't even concerned
And time it turned,
He tried to burn me like a perm
Though my eyes saw the deception,
My heart wouldn't let me learn
From um, some, dumb woman, was I,
And everytime he'd lie, he would cry and inside I'd die.
My heart must have died a thousand deaths
Compared myself to Toni Braxton
thought I'd never catch my breath
Nothing left, he stole the heart beating from my chest
I tried to call the cops, that type of thief you can't arrest
Pain suppressed, will lead to cardiac arrest
Diamonds deserve diamonds,
but he convinced me I was worth less
when my peoples would protest,
I told them mind their business, cause my shit was complex
More than just the sex
I was blessed, but couldn't feel it like when I was caressed
I'd spend nights clutching my breasts
overwhelmed by God's test
I was God's best contemplating death with a Gillette
But no man is ever worth the paradise MANIFEST
-Manifest (Lauryn Hill-Fugees-The Score)
AMEN!
Today my attitude is different. I still feel slighted but I am trying to regain myself and realize the growth i have made. I had to look at what LOVE was.. and found this.. I found another site.. but i think i will add that to my links page.
Hate is not inherent in my being. I have throughly hated one person in my life and that is my stepfather. But i realize at this point in life.. i have finally gotten some distance from my pains of childhood and i know my friends are saying about time. I forgive my stepfather. And now it is time to forgive that man I gave my heart to. This is not the end. IT never was. And there are so many things I put off doing. Love shouldn't do that. It should allow me to grow and flourish. Not keep me stagnant. That should have been apparent to me.
Another reason for seeking a change today. This release of love and holding on to my pain has caused me to have pains in my heart.. Physically I have been in pain for the last 2 days and i am having a hard time breathing.. So i've been trying to release my anger in a productive way... Transforming my energy if you will. Because i am sure "he" is not going around hoping for an inhaler b/c his chest is tight and he spends the night weezing. My anger is blocking my breathing.. and my pain is causing me to have aches in my heart.. seriously..
I had to start mediatating and doing breathing exercises.. b/c i realized.. i stopped breathing at one point last night.. No Good!
No man is ever worth such hindrance to my being. I have so much i need to do.. Finish that novel. and start the next one.. Get those songs off my cell's memo and get them written and recorded, get my plans for my label and get back in school.. And i am wasting time on someone who NEVER made adequate time for me! WHY?!?!?!
As Lauryn says.. no man is ever worth the paradise manifest!
and this is her verse complete.. it speaks volumes for me.. why struggle with the words when Lauryn Hill has already done it for me??? I swear this girl is like a prophet or something...
You see I loved hard once, but the love wasn't returned
I found out the man I'd die for, he wasn't even concerned
And time it turned,
He tried to burn me like a perm
Though my eyes saw the deception,
My heart wouldn't let me learn
From um, some, dumb woman, was I,
And everytime he'd lie, he would cry and inside I'd die.
My heart must have died a thousand deaths
Compared myself to Toni Braxton
thought I'd never catch my breath
Nothing left, he stole the heart beating from my chest
I tried to call the cops, that type of thief you can't arrest
Pain suppressed, will lead to cardiac arrest
Diamonds deserve diamonds,
but he convinced me I was worth less
when my peoples would protest,
I told them mind their business, cause my shit was complex
More than just the sex
I was blessed, but couldn't feel it like when I was caressed
I'd spend nights clutching my breasts
overwhelmed by God's test
I was God's best contemplating death with a Gillette
But no man is ever worth the paradise MANIFEST
-Manifest (Lauryn Hill-Fugees-The Score)
AMEN!
A Little Closure is all I was asking for
This is hard to write.. cuz i don't feel i have processed this yet.. but it needs to be written.
I've spent 4 months in confusion. Asking, waiting, hoping, watching, praying, waiting, asking, stressing, depressed. Frustrated.
Only to last night get the answer.. He/ that manchild I dated for about a year and a half. The first real relationship i thought I had, the first time i've opened up in a long time. This man i thought was busy and returning, the man who said I was what he needed in his life.. Treated me like christmas wrapping paper.. Crumpled me up and tossed me to the side.. and maybe he thought b/c i was only christmas paper... it was allright.. but perhaps he didn't realize.. that i was more.. That i was more than Fucking POETRY! More than some girl... More than a wet pussy. More than some chick... I had actual feelings. and I had them for him. He told me so nonchalant like.. That he had another girlfriend.. Met HER in July... She became his girlfriend in September.. and I find out cuz i call during their dinner on Sunday... and he treated me like a ROYAL ASS! so i called back.. cuz i was only calling to say hi. .and he tells me he's out with his GIRLFRIEND!!! I mean.. uhh.. when were you going to let me know.. AT THE FUCKING WEDDING!
so i am more mad than i know... but i feel.. as the NICE person he said i was.. as the person he "said" he cared about.. i would at least be due the decency of decent closure.. Don't leave me hanging like a loose appendage.. while you carry on with your life. He tells me I got to him before he was going to tell me.. But i know for a fact that i was with him for months b4 he told his daughters mother about me..I know that... I know alot he assumes i don't know.. Like him feeling insecure and having his friends watch me at a spot that where i go to unwind once a week... with my people... He had me uncomfortable for months in my own spot.. cuz he was uncomfortable and never confronted me head on... that...
is crazy... he accused me of having someone else.. feeling there was someone else.. and there never was.. but HE.. HE HAD someone else... and for someone who is so upfront with people.. he dragged me around the back of his pick up for months.. i guess hoping i'd finally fall off and not notice.. i was being dragged and bruised..
but i must say this.. finally getting an answer i was seeking for 4 months.. lifts my depression. Makes me feel free inside.. Allows me to get my smile back.. cuz i haven't been myself in 4 months. since JULY! one of his friends once commented to me that i was smiling but it wasn't genuine.. and i couldn't explain it to him.. But thanks CURT! now I have unearthed my smile.. DAMN Anyone who takes away my smile.. and denies the world their sunshine!
I know in the end.. this is for the best.. I just wish it had happened another way.. But it didn't.. IT happened the way it did.. I just hope home girl.. knows what kind of man she is with now.. and can see like i can his potential and hopefully he won't drop her like a hot potatoe.. b4.. she gets the opportunity.. to love him.. like he needs... hopefully he will get over his childhood.. and learn to love himself enough to respect the feelings of others who have feelings invested in him.. You don't treat people like that!
but i know that..
I only do to others what i want done to me.. Seems unfair.. no one seems to be looking out for me.. I get hurt an awful lot.. but i'm convinced.. some good comes from everything and there must be alot of good in store for me.. i need it.
I've spent 4 months in confusion. Asking, waiting, hoping, watching, praying, waiting, asking, stressing, depressed. Frustrated.
Only to last night get the answer.. He/ that manchild I dated for about a year and a half. The first real relationship i thought I had, the first time i've opened up in a long time. This man i thought was busy and returning, the man who said I was what he needed in his life.. Treated me like christmas wrapping paper.. Crumpled me up and tossed me to the side.. and maybe he thought b/c i was only christmas paper... it was allright.. but perhaps he didn't realize.. that i was more.. That i was more than Fucking POETRY! More than some girl... More than a wet pussy. More than some chick... I had actual feelings. and I had them for him. He told me so nonchalant like.. That he had another girlfriend.. Met HER in July... She became his girlfriend in September.. and I find out cuz i call during their dinner on Sunday... and he treated me like a ROYAL ASS! so i called back.. cuz i was only calling to say hi. .and he tells me he's out with his GIRLFRIEND!!! I mean.. uhh.. when were you going to let me know.. AT THE FUCKING WEDDING!
so i am more mad than i know... but i feel.. as the NICE person he said i was.. as the person he "said" he cared about.. i would at least be due the decency of decent closure.. Don't leave me hanging like a loose appendage.. while you carry on with your life. He tells me I got to him before he was going to tell me.. But i know for a fact that i was with him for months b4 he told his daughters mother about me..I know that... I know alot he assumes i don't know.. Like him feeling insecure and having his friends watch me at a spot that where i go to unwind once a week... with my people... He had me uncomfortable for months in my own spot.. cuz he was uncomfortable and never confronted me head on... that...
is crazy... he accused me of having someone else.. feeling there was someone else.. and there never was.. but HE.. HE HAD someone else... and for someone who is so upfront with people.. he dragged me around the back of his pick up for months.. i guess hoping i'd finally fall off and not notice.. i was being dragged and bruised..
but i must say this.. finally getting an answer i was seeking for 4 months.. lifts my depression. Makes me feel free inside.. Allows me to get my smile back.. cuz i haven't been myself in 4 months. since JULY! one of his friends once commented to me that i was smiling but it wasn't genuine.. and i couldn't explain it to him.. But thanks CURT! now I have unearthed my smile.. DAMN Anyone who takes away my smile.. and denies the world their sunshine!
I know in the end.. this is for the best.. I just wish it had happened another way.. But it didn't.. IT happened the way it did.. I just hope home girl.. knows what kind of man she is with now.. and can see like i can his potential and hopefully he won't drop her like a hot potatoe.. b4.. she gets the opportunity.. to love him.. like he needs... hopefully he will get over his childhood.. and learn to love himself enough to respect the feelings of others who have feelings invested in him.. You don't treat people like that!
but i know that..
I only do to others what i want done to me.. Seems unfair.. no one seems to be looking out for me.. I get hurt an awful lot.. but i'm convinced.. some good comes from everything and there must be alot of good in store for me.. i need it.
day by day
insomnia attacks me the same time every year in the fall ... at a consistent time. 3AM.. i have poems written about this odd phenomenon..and you'd think after years of this happening.. i'd wise up and use the time productively.. well the other morning i did.
I woke up right away at 3am.. no groginess just a wake up and i turned right away and started flipping channels. mtv vh1, bet, hbo.. why are channels 3 letter call letters? and as soon as i woke up my phone rang.. i figured.. if you were calling me at this time of morning.. you must know me.. so i pick up my handy dandy cell phone.. and am surprised, but not so surprised.. to hear the voice of a friend.. that broke me down and spit me out.. why not surprising? b/c we used to always spend these insomiac hours together.. a year ago we lived around the corner from each other in adjacent buildings.. i used to just throw on a scarf on my bushy fro, grab my glasses or bottle of contact solution and trudge over to his place.. and we'd talk till we fell asleep.. among other things.. but that has not happened in awhile.. and in the interim when we fell apart and were not constant talk.email.buddies.. i met a new man.. who consequently.. pushed me to the wayside for life and now here we are and my insomnia has returned.. or is that my friend has returned?
so we talked i got out of bed.. transferred laundry to dryer.. watched vh1 soul downstairs, and talked to 5am.. and when he decided it was time to get an hour or so of sleep we hung up and i read a novel until 6am when i feel asleep and got my hour and 1/2 of rest..
but the thing is.. i knew in the midsts of that convo.. that if i was still living in the same place.. i would have been out of my bed in a minute and over to his place... and there is no remorse in that.. just a knowing.. but at the same time i wonder.. if i still had my place would MIA boyfriend still be MIA ???
and i know.. in the end.. friends are friends.. you can argue, curse each other out, and banish each other to the ends of the earth, but in the end, something happens, and someone returns.. or is it as he says.. there are constants in your life.. people who never really go away.. and that means something.. that when it all breaks down, your constants are there.. in the wings, or on the verge of re-appearing...
I woke up right away at 3am.. no groginess just a wake up and i turned right away and started flipping channels. mtv vh1, bet, hbo.. why are channels 3 letter call letters? and as soon as i woke up my phone rang.. i figured.. if you were calling me at this time of morning.. you must know me.. so i pick up my handy dandy cell phone.. and am surprised, but not so surprised.. to hear the voice of a friend.. that broke me down and spit me out.. why not surprising? b/c we used to always spend these insomiac hours together.. a year ago we lived around the corner from each other in adjacent buildings.. i used to just throw on a scarf on my bushy fro, grab my glasses or bottle of contact solution and trudge over to his place.. and we'd talk till we fell asleep.. among other things.. but that has not happened in awhile.. and in the interim when we fell apart and were not constant talk.email.buddies.. i met a new man.. who consequently.. pushed me to the wayside for life and now here we are and my insomnia has returned.. or is that my friend has returned?
so we talked i got out of bed.. transferred laundry to dryer.. watched vh1 soul downstairs, and talked to 5am.. and when he decided it was time to get an hour or so of sleep we hung up and i read a novel until 6am when i feel asleep and got my hour and 1/2 of rest..
but the thing is.. i knew in the midsts of that convo.. that if i was still living in the same place.. i would have been out of my bed in a minute and over to his place... and there is no remorse in that.. just a knowing.. but at the same time i wonder.. if i still had my place would MIA boyfriend still be MIA ???
and i know.. in the end.. friends are friends.. you can argue, curse each other out, and banish each other to the ends of the earth, but in the end, something happens, and someone returns.. or is it as he says.. there are constants in your life.. people who never really go away.. and that means something.. that when it all breaks down, your constants are there.. in the wings, or on the verge of re-appearing...
AstrologySource's Monthly Horoscopes
AstrologySource's Monthly Horoscopes
i wish i had read the leo and virgo predictions b4 i started making all those phone calls.. darn
i wish i had read the leo and virgo predictions b4 i started making all those phone calls.. darn
its not me
as in ...
"baby it's not you, it's me..."
it's not me at all...
it's other shit though.. and for now this understanding is carrying me through.. B/C it's been made clear that there is no one else..
just life.. and Life has pushed me out and made it that I am not a top priority..or a priority at all.. but lately.. like the mosquito
a nuisance.. not a nuance.. but a nuisance ...meaning annoying as hell.. especially when i call asking to paid attention to.. cuz.. it doesn't exist this time i want.. and for now.. as sad as it may seem..
i can deal with this ... the way it is.. cuz for awhile i was thinking that i had some major flaw.. a repellent if you will... but that's not true.. i fell in love.. and though i hate the term.. the more i look at it.. it seems like no i didn't glide into love.. i fell into that damn thing.. and i fell in love with a man who doesn't deal well with stress and at the present time has more stress than good sense... so it's not that i dont matter.. cuz i do somewhere low on the totem pole.. but in this world void of joy... there is no time.. for sunshine.. and it helps me cope better when i know..
it's not me!
"baby it's not you, it's me..."
it's not me at all...
it's other shit though.. and for now this understanding is carrying me through.. B/C it's been made clear that there is no one else..
just life.. and Life has pushed me out and made it that I am not a top priority..or a priority at all.. but lately.. like the mosquito
a nuisance.. not a nuance.. but a nuisance ...meaning annoying as hell.. especially when i call asking to paid attention to.. cuz.. it doesn't exist this time i want.. and for now.. as sad as it may seem..
i can deal with this ... the way it is.. cuz for awhile i was thinking that i had some major flaw.. a repellent if you will... but that's not true.. i fell in love.. and though i hate the term.. the more i look at it.. it seems like no i didn't glide into love.. i fell into that damn thing.. and i fell in love with a man who doesn't deal well with stress and at the present time has more stress than good sense... so it's not that i dont matter.. cuz i do somewhere low on the totem pole.. but in this world void of joy... there is no time.. for sunshine.. and it helps me cope better when i know..
it's not me!
KILL BILL!
THE QUENTIN TARANTINO ARCHIVES
I saw kill bill this past sunday.. making me one of millions to make this movie number 1 at the box office.. And for that small feat i feel special.. But it's more than this.. I loved this movie.. I did think the blood was a bit much.. But as far as it's cinematic quality I LOVED IT! it's one of the most artistically grabbing endeavors i can ever remember seeing.. The way it's done like a mondern day kung-fu movie. To the anime and sounds... and can you believe The RZA made the soundtrack!?!? i loved the country sounding japanese music and the way that Bang Bang! song was played i English in the beginning of the movie and in Japanese at the end.. CRAZY!
I loved it..
and with that i have to admit.. this is the first Quentin Tarantino movie I could actually get into and liked.. Pulp Fiction fell flat on me.. I don't know what happened.. maybe it is my love for action flicks.. but this movie did it for me.
So now i have to go back and see the rest of his collection and see kill bill one more time b4 Vol2 comes out.. and hey.. can someone stop these news people from putting out faulty synopsis of the movie.. they are putting out info thats not even included in Vol 1. don't ruin it for the people!
I saw kill bill this past sunday.. making me one of millions to make this movie number 1 at the box office.. And for that small feat i feel special.. But it's more than this.. I loved this movie.. I did think the blood was a bit much.. But as far as it's cinematic quality I LOVED IT! it's one of the most artistically grabbing endeavors i can ever remember seeing.. The way it's done like a mondern day kung-fu movie. To the anime and sounds... and can you believe The RZA made the soundtrack!?!? i loved the country sounding japanese music and the way that Bang Bang! song was played i English in the beginning of the movie and in Japanese at the end.. CRAZY!
I loved it..
and with that i have to admit.. this is the first Quentin Tarantino movie I could actually get into and liked.. Pulp Fiction fell flat on me.. I don't know what happened.. maybe it is my love for action flicks.. but this movie did it for me.
So now i have to go back and see the rest of his collection and see kill bill one more time b4 Vol2 comes out.. and hey.. can someone stop these news people from putting out faulty synopsis of the movie.. they are putting out info thats not even included in Vol 1. don't ruin it for the people!
BlogShares - as if i had the answers
BlogShares - as if i had the answers
how did i get a link on here?
and why come (yeah i know its wrong.. but WHY!) everytime i add a link something happens to my coding..? time for a new skin..
how did i get a link on here?
and why come (yeah i know its wrong.. but WHY!) everytime i add a link something happens to my coding..? time for a new skin..
selfish is as selfish does
i am easily able to take on all blame.. i am the oldest child.. but in this case i am not too sure..
a mate burdened by lifes struggles has excluded me in lieu of pressing life matters...
several things are happening here...
1) i feel pushed aside.. and perhaps i am.. but
2) do i have a right to feel this way?
3)when indeed i do have contact and learn the situation am i
a)even warannted a play-by-play when out of sight out of mind?
b)due an explanation of why i am not included??
4) When i finally learn the situation... is it right that i feel that i am being selfish for wanting to be included in someone's life or be showered with attention... when bills are due, people are passing away, shit is not working right, work is being done.. and i don't know these things until i call and piss someone off b/c i feel lonely and pushed aside....
5)why am i writing with numbers?
6)Knowing the reality of a situation that was not willingly shared with me.. i feel stupid for being so needy especially being so needy for someone who is incapable of showing/giving/ sharing with me what i want....
7)i need a life... and to stop being a needy little b...
8)i wish people would have yelled and cussed at me months ago.. at least i would have been offended enough not to care and not to call.. leaving them ample time to grovel and strain and work through a difficult stage of life without my added whiny bi-monthly request for attention that is not available... and may never be available again.. as long as i continue to be a needy little wench....
oh bother... this doesn't even really suck.. it just is... i wish people didn't care about my feelings... they dont help me when they do... i need that shit raw..so i can get the tears out now... and refrain from being a bitch later when months go by and i am still not a priority but a good reason to raise blood pressure and cause more undue stress..
needy me... oh well...
moving on... i cant really see this situation through anyones eyes but my own.. lets me see how really selfish i can be.. but really.. this is why i remained alone and distant for so long.. this caring shit hurts...
a mate burdened by lifes struggles has excluded me in lieu of pressing life matters...
several things are happening here...
1) i feel pushed aside.. and perhaps i am.. but
2) do i have a right to feel this way?
3)when indeed i do have contact and learn the situation am i
a)even warannted a play-by-play when out of sight out of mind?
b)due an explanation of why i am not included??
4) When i finally learn the situation... is it right that i feel that i am being selfish for wanting to be included in someone's life or be showered with attention... when bills are due, people are passing away, shit is not working right, work is being done.. and i don't know these things until i call and piss someone off b/c i feel lonely and pushed aside....
5)why am i writing with numbers?
6)Knowing the reality of a situation that was not willingly shared with me.. i feel stupid for being so needy especially being so needy for someone who is incapable of showing/giving/ sharing with me what i want....
7)i need a life... and to stop being a needy little b...
8)i wish people would have yelled and cussed at me months ago.. at least i would have been offended enough not to care and not to call.. leaving them ample time to grovel and strain and work through a difficult stage of life without my added whiny bi-monthly request for attention that is not available... and may never be available again.. as long as i continue to be a needy little wench....
oh bother... this doesn't even really suck.. it just is... i wish people didn't care about my feelings... they dont help me when they do... i need that shit raw..so i can get the tears out now... and refrain from being a bitch later when months go by and i am still not a priority but a good reason to raise blood pressure and cause more undue stress..
needy me... oh well...
moving on... i cant really see this situation through anyones eyes but my own.. lets me see how really selfish i can be.. but really.. this is why i remained alone and distant for so long.. this caring shit hurts...
Planetary Revolutions
cloudy vision never allowed for a
clear perspective on the distant horizon
cant get past my own atmosphere to
acknowledge yours
but then again
your orbit is outside of mine
your stratopshere
doesn't eclipse mine
so its out of sight out of mind
pushed from the core
tremors start
and
this planet doesn't adjust well to
intergalactic changes
and selfishly
i want your moon to glow from only my
beaming sun star
want you to
on some revolution
remember that this planet exist in the galaxy
when wars and peasants
and all those planetary issues
and time allow you
time for space travel
but who knows
what really goes on
on those other galaxies
so far
so hidden
and clouded
from view
off in the distant horizon.
Copyright (C)2003 jamila j.
cloudy vision never allowed for a
clear perspective on the distant horizon
cant get past my own atmosphere to
acknowledge yours
but then again
your orbit is outside of mine
your stratopshere
doesn't eclipse mine
so its out of sight out of mind
pushed from the core
tremors start
and
this planet doesn't adjust well to
intergalactic changes
and selfishly
i want your moon to glow from only my
beaming sun star
want you to
on some revolution
remember that this planet exist in the galaxy
when wars and peasants
and all those planetary issues
and time allow you
time for space travel
but who knows
what really goes on
on those other galaxies
so far
so hidden
and clouded
from view
off in the distant horizon.
Copyright (C)2003 jamila j.
with time ....
sayings that you don't want to hear when you are in pain....
-time heals all wounds
-if you love them, let them go, and if they are for you they'll return to you
-you should be able to love someone enough to see them happy, even if it is with someone else..
-your man is a fool i can love you better..
tell me who comes up with this stuff???
Really!
1)time hurts
2)what is the waiting time btwn release and return?
3)i love you but not enough to see someone else all over the place i should be in
perhaps i don't love you enough
4)why do guys always think it's allright to insult the man you still care for to make themselves look better? that mess pisses me off.. and surprisingly enough i've heard that comment more times than i'd care to recount lately...
the good news.. i have gained clarity and distance.. so while my heart is not in pain... i realize some things about relationships.. and i am not yet ready to get my heartbroken again.. cuz i don't think it's time that heals all wounds.. but gaining a new perspective which takes time.. at least for me.. Miss Clingy...
-time heals all wounds
-if you love them, let them go, and if they are for you they'll return to you
-you should be able to love someone enough to see them happy, even if it is with someone else..
-your man is a fool i can love you better..
tell me who comes up with this stuff???
Really!
1)time hurts
2)what is the waiting time btwn release and return?
3)i love you but not enough to see someone else all over the place i should be in
perhaps i don't love you enough
4)why do guys always think it's allright to insult the man you still care for to make themselves look better? that mess pisses me off.. and surprisingly enough i've heard that comment more times than i'd care to recount lately...
the good news.. i have gained clarity and distance.. so while my heart is not in pain... i realize some things about relationships.. and i am not yet ready to get my heartbroken again.. cuz i don't think it's time that heals all wounds.. but gaining a new perspective which takes time.. at least for me.. Miss Clingy...
The smurfs are BACK! who said they left???
Welcome to the Smurfs' Official Site's Homepage
it's offical... the smurf's are back in style and i'm not sure i like it.. but! ! ! the fact remains.. that my collection of 100 smurfs got demolished by my sister and brother.. and all i want is my collection replenished.. put it on your shopping list.. scrounge ebay! I'm serious.. i want 100 smurfs back in my smurf lunch box..this Christmas.. smurf IT!!!
it's offical... the smurf's are back in style and i'm not sure i like it.. but! ! ! the fact remains.. that my collection of 100 smurfs got demolished by my sister and brother.. and all i want is my collection replenished.. put it on your shopping list.. scrounge ebay! I'm serious.. i want 100 smurfs back in my smurf lunch box..this Christmas.. smurf IT!!!
Shift key breaks CD copy locks | CNET News.com
I have to thank my friend A.N.T for letting me know about this.. he has alot of good info ;)
Anyway.. I love Anthony Hamilton's new CD but that copyright protection nonsense makes it impossible to play the cd on my computer.. unless i'm using the program included on the cd which only allows you to 1) make 3-4 copies if you so desire 2)only play the cd using their program which only A)plays the entire cd or b) plays one track and stops..It does not allow you to skip tracks or set up your own playlist.. that sucks.. cuz i like to bypass tracks 1 and 2 somtimes.. and get straight to track3...
I sent a nasty letter in my customer survey about how stupid this new technology was and though i didn't burn often if i wanted to make a mix cd, i would be hindered in the future.
But according to this article which tested the Anthony Hamilton CD you can by-pass this technology by simply "holding down the shift key upon startup"
isn't that crazy..
John A. Halderman who figured this out.. says "the workaround is so simple that it's hard to fix." Isn't that CRAZY!
I just want to know why.. when i'm behaving myself I'm always grouped with the crowd? I rarely burn music and besides the cd was 6 bucks on sale at Circuit City the week it dropped.. My only thing if BMG was trying to prevent the cd being copied they did a bad job by ensuring that most stores in my area did not have the cd the week it dropped.. That alone had me hunting Kazaa for copies cuz i couldn't find that shit anywhere.. now that had me pissed off! I just dont see why i can't make as many copies as i want after i've put down my hard earned money down for it... hey i had to work at least a half hour to earn the money for the cd. I think i worked for it ;)
Anyway.. I love Anthony Hamilton's new CD but that copyright protection nonsense makes it impossible to play the cd on my computer.. unless i'm using the program included on the cd which only allows you to 1) make 3-4 copies if you so desire 2)only play the cd using their program which only A)plays the entire cd or b) plays one track and stops..It does not allow you to skip tracks or set up your own playlist.. that sucks.. cuz i like to bypass tracks 1 and 2 somtimes.. and get straight to track3...
I sent a nasty letter in my customer survey about how stupid this new technology was and though i didn't burn often if i wanted to make a mix cd, i would be hindered in the future.
But according to this article which tested the Anthony Hamilton CD you can by-pass this technology by simply "holding down the shift key upon startup"
isn't that crazy..
John A. Halderman who figured this out.. says "the workaround is so simple that it's hard to fix." Isn't that CRAZY!
I just want to know why.. when i'm behaving myself I'm always grouped with the crowd? I rarely burn music and besides the cd was 6 bucks on sale at Circuit City the week it dropped.. My only thing if BMG was trying to prevent the cd being copied they did a bad job by ensuring that most stores in my area did not have the cd the week it dropped.. That alone had me hunting Kazaa for copies cuz i couldn't find that shit anywhere.. now that had me pissed off! I just dont see why i can't make as many copies as i want after i've put down my hard earned money down for it... hey i had to work at least a half hour to earn the money for the cd. I think i worked for it ;)
Trust YourSelf
i find today... that what i lack is a serious trust of self....
i have gone to outside sources only to receive the messages i know to be true. I have talked all day to a new friend... only to find... in the end its only me... i am not going to run off with anyone... i dont trust them either!
But i thought it was really sad that i could accept my own thoughts regurgitated back at me, but could not accept them when i first had them. Why doubt?
b/c i fear pain.... and i know that i need to make a clean break.. and i am clinging... in a strange way. i am not the only one clinging.. but the fact remains.. when you start to lack trust in your own thoughts and decisions you have headed to a bad, bad place...
so i'm going to work on that...
and you should to..
cuz you already know i don't have the answers... :P
jw
i have gone to outside sources only to receive the messages i know to be true. I have talked all day to a new friend... only to find... in the end its only me... i am not going to run off with anyone... i dont trust them either!
But i thought it was really sad that i could accept my own thoughts regurgitated back at me, but could not accept them when i first had them. Why doubt?
b/c i fear pain.... and i know that i need to make a clean break.. and i am clinging... in a strange way. i am not the only one clinging.. but the fact remains.. when you start to lack trust in your own thoughts and decisions you have headed to a bad, bad place...
so i'm going to work on that...
and you should to..
cuz you already know i don't have the answers... :P
jw
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey (a.k.a. Jack Handy)
maybe it's b/c im moody and this is appealing to my sarcastic side, but this site is hilarious to me today.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
- Jack Handey
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
- Jack Handey
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
- Jack Handey
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
- Jack Handey
once again
this is the hardest time... when i want something that does not come
when i hope and do not receive
when i call and get no answer
or not the one i wanted
and you'd have thought i'd learn by now
that i'd be frustrated enough to turn away
but they say this is the game
to keep me tied to the hope that never comes
that you spread words easy to soothe my temper
that say you still care and you'll be there
but that is a temporary salve
and after a few days
my loneliness resurfaces
and your no where to be found
to soothe me...
(c)2003 jamila j.
when i hope and do not receive
when i call and get no answer
or not the one i wanted
and you'd have thought i'd learn by now
that i'd be frustrated enough to turn away
but they say this is the game
to keep me tied to the hope that never comes
that you spread words easy to soothe my temper
that say you still care and you'll be there
but that is a temporary salve
and after a few days
my loneliness resurfaces
and your no where to be found
to soothe me...
(c)2003 jamila j.
How To Love Yourself, by Louise L. Hay
i was looking for something like this one day.. and on the day im not looking for it.. i come across it.. i guess it was time..
Today is yet another day... how will we make it work in my favor?
Today I dislike my family, greatly despise my family on the odd moment i will even begin to think that i hate them.. There are some moments where we are all laughing and joking and having a good time together.. But that moment is not this moment.. and that day is not today.. Right now.. They disgust me and i'm sure i do the same for them. Not my entire family, just the immediate characters. Sister, brother.. mainly those two..... I have to admit.. I rather liked being an only child for the 8 years that i was... It was a nice existance.. I also liked living on my own. So why did i move back home!?!?!?!
oh yeah.. to get my stuff together.. My stuff is not together.. it will not get together here and I suggest highly that i jump on the next thing smoking and make it work out there somewhere..I'm waiting for so many conditions to come into play so that i may get my stuff right.. But i realize.. that may never happen. Some key elements need to factor in and the rest can fall in line where it may.
But i could say this is the spirit of life moving around me, ensuring i am uncomfortable and remember my purpose for being here. My purpose was not to live here, but to move on from here.. so i've been here a year... That is a year too long.. almost a year.. and it is time. WAY PAST TIME!!! I should have never returned... and i know why..
because... i do not like my family.. on the odd ocassion we are all laughs and smiles and jokes and kool-aid.. but that is not that moment.. today is not that day.. i knew better b4 i stepped foot in here, it's the main reason i first moved away.. I should have stayed... and next time... i will . FAR AWAY!!!!
oh yeah.. to get my stuff together.. My stuff is not together.. it will not get together here and I suggest highly that i jump on the next thing smoking and make it work out there somewhere..I'm waiting for so many conditions to come into play so that i may get my stuff right.. But i realize.. that may never happen. Some key elements need to factor in and the rest can fall in line where it may.
But i could say this is the spirit of life moving around me, ensuring i am uncomfortable and remember my purpose for being here. My purpose was not to live here, but to move on from here.. so i've been here a year... That is a year too long.. almost a year.. and it is time. WAY PAST TIME!!! I should have never returned... and i know why..
because... i do not like my family.. on the odd ocassion we are all laughs and smiles and jokes and kool-aid.. but that is not that moment.. today is not that day.. i knew better b4 i stepped foot in here, it's the main reason i first moved away.. I should have stayed... and next time... i will . FAR AWAY!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)