selfish is as selfish does

i am easily able to take on all blame.. i am the oldest child.. but in this case i am not too sure..
a mate burdened by lifes struggles has excluded me in lieu of pressing life matters...
several things are happening here...
1) i feel pushed aside.. and perhaps i am.. but
2) do i have a right to feel this way?
3)when indeed i do have contact and learn the situation am i
a)even warannted a play-by-play when out of sight out of mind?
b)due an explanation of why i am not included??
4) When i finally learn the situation... is it right that i feel that i am being selfish for wanting to be included in someone's life or be showered with attention... when bills are due, people are passing away, shit is not working right, work is being done.. and i don't know these things until i call and piss someone off b/c i feel lonely and pushed aside....
5)why am i writing with numbers?
6)Knowing the reality of a situation that was not willingly shared with me.. i feel stupid for being so needy especially being so needy for someone who is incapable of showing/giving/ sharing with me what i want....
7)i need a life... and to stop being a needy little b...
8)i wish people would have yelled and cussed at me months ago.. at least i would have been offended enough not to care and not to call.. leaving them ample time to grovel and strain and work through a difficult stage of life without my added whiny bi-monthly request for attention that is not available... and may never be available again.. as long as i continue to be a needy little wench....

oh bother... this doesn't even really suck.. it just is... i wish people didn't care about my feelings... they dont help me when they do... i need that shit raw..so i can get the tears out now... and refrain from being a bitch later when months go by and i am still not a priority but a good reason to raise blood pressure and cause more undue stress..

needy me... oh well...
moving on... i cant really see this situation through anyones eyes but my own.. lets me see how really selfish i can be.. but really.. this is why i remained alone and distant for so long.. this caring shit hurts...