Jennifer Keitt's Todays Black Woman: Daily Living
Today my attitude is different. I still feel slighted but I am trying to regain myself and realize the growth i have made. I had to look at what LOVE was.. and found this.. I found another site.. but i think i will add that to my links page.
Hate is not inherent in my being. I have throughly hated one person in my life and that is my stepfather. But i realize at this point in life.. i have finally gotten some distance from my pains of childhood and i know my friends are saying about time. I forgive my stepfather. And now it is time to forgive that man I gave my heart to. This is not the end. IT never was. And there are so many things I put off doing. Love shouldn't do that. It should allow me to grow and flourish. Not keep me stagnant. That should have been apparent to me.
Another reason for seeking a change today. This release of love and holding on to my pain has caused me to have pains in my heart.. Physically I have been in pain for the last 2 days and i am having a hard time breathing.. So i've been trying to release my anger in a productive way... Transforming my energy if you will. Because i am sure "he" is not going around hoping for an inhaler b/c his chest is tight and he spends the night weezing. My anger is blocking my breathing.. and my pain is causing me to have aches in my heart.. seriously..
I had to start mediatating and doing breathing exercises.. b/c i realized.. i stopped breathing at one point last night.. No Good!
No man is ever worth such hindrance to my being. I have so much i need to do.. Finish that novel. and start the next one.. Get those songs off my cell's memo and get them written and recorded, get my plans for my label and get back in school.. And i am wasting time on someone who NEVER made adequate time for me! WHY?!?!?!
As Lauryn says.. no man is ever worth the paradise manifest!
and this is her verse complete.. it speaks volumes for me.. why struggle with the words when Lauryn Hill has already done it for me??? I swear this girl is like a prophet or something...
You see I loved hard once, but the love wasn't returned
I found out the man I'd die for, he wasn't even concerned
And time it turned,
He tried to burn me like a perm
Though my eyes saw the deception,
My heart wouldn't let me learn
From um, some, dumb woman, was I,
And everytime he'd lie, he would cry and inside I'd die.
My heart must have died a thousand deaths
Compared myself to Toni Braxton
thought I'd never catch my breath
Nothing left, he stole the heart beating from my chest
I tried to call the cops, that type of thief you can't arrest
Pain suppressed, will lead to cardiac arrest
Diamonds deserve diamonds,
but he convinced me I was worth less
when my peoples would protest,
I told them mind their business, cause my shit was complex
More than just the sex
I was blessed, but couldn't feel it like when I was caressed
I'd spend nights clutching my breasts
overwhelmed by God's test
I was God's best contemplating death with a Gillette
But no man is ever worth the paradise MANIFEST
-Manifest (Lauryn Hill-Fugees-The Score)
AMEN!
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