i want to go outside in the rain

"so the people can't see me cry-ing"

today we met. Me and my friend.. We had the talk where i rant and rave about the injustice and we finally speak that this thing we had is OVER... has been over.. and i just didn't know.. so now i can move on.. and i don't hate him.. hate is not something i can do comfortably. feel sorry for him at times.. As much as i hate it.. i still care about him.. and hear him say the same... but i'm sorry.. doesn't really help me right now.. i am too busy crying out 4 months of pain and confusion.. and while it feels good. i know why i don't cry more often.. 1) it's too damn messy 2)it's makes people be all concerned for me and i don't want that type of attention. The attention where your praising my work is better.. yes.. you like my writing.. thank you. it took me awhile to grasp that.. but i like that more than people feeling sorry for me.

so i met this girl named Beloved at Verses last night.. she is a wonderful singer/guitarist from Colorado. reminds me of india.arie.. and i love her! but i played her cd this morning and that thing had me bawling.. must mean it's good music to affect me. everytime i replay the reason why.. i am no longer a contender.. i melt and pour out my emotions again.. in once aspect.. i know i need this.. am grateful for a release that's been needed since july.. but damn.. is it going to end.. and can i control this.. whenever my nosey friends asks me what happend.. i can't finish the damn sentences... i don't feel like talking.. i might blubber

and my friend from work didn't want to hear that we would be friends.. but that's what we decided... take it or leave it.. im even considering letting him have one of my pictures back... just b/c i'm a nice damn person!

how do we meet to break up and i end up being your support system, ear or what have you?
how does that work.. i can't even go an hour without tearing up..

Beloved has this lyric.. that my friend pointed out to me.. "You say my hearts too big for my own damn good!"

harsh.. but why do i understand that!?! damn... that is me.

and for all that care.. please stop telling me to be stop being sad..
I'm not crying cuz this is over.. i'm crying b/c i need to release.. this is a healing process.. stop trying to make me smile again.. there is a time for that.. it's just not right now..

even the sun goes away at night... but it returns every morning... it will be back!
j