finding truth

i know more than i will ever say, and more than i will ever admit to myself.

I've lied to protect myself, to protect others. Always in the name of protection. I learned to lie when i was 5. To protect myself from getting my ass beat. I lied at 20 to protect his heart from his ego. I lied at 21 to protect my heart from him. I loved him. I don't think he ever knew. But you can't love the right person in the wrong situation for too long before you learn you need to protect you.

Always protection.

We've lied to protect ourselves. But i wonder who gets what they need in the end. And will the truth really make us all happy?

Sometimes, the truth hurts too much. And i often live in a self sheltered existence. I have to sometimes. It's necessary.

But it's funny. To write and think you're writing for your own healing and then to see it's not for you. That the words you write are for someone else. Or even yet to learn that the person your writing for is you. Just you in another skin. Another body. Another person who can't sleep like you, who can't breathe like you. Who has lied like you and hurt like you. Only to see.. yourself in them. And then you begin to understand the anger, the pain, the insomnia.

It all begins to make sense eventually. If your open to see it. IF....your honest with only one person. The only person you need to be honest with. Yourself.