just when i think im over
you reappear
a name linked to you
a sound reminisicint
of what u do rings in
my ear translates
directs the feeling to the pit
of me
my chest constricts
and i
find it hard to
inhale
hard to ex
hard to
breathe
slowly
paper bags to mouth
pushing out what remains
i think too much that's
what you used to say
but i can't stop
thinking about
u long enough
to regain my composure
re-gain my posture
inhale deep enough
to breathe
like i should be able to
with
or
with-out
you.
i scat my thoughts into
a rhythm my heart can follow
try to jumpstart myself
so i can catch a beat
catch a breath
again.
(c)2008 jamilaj
i found out this girl is pregnant by someone close 2 u. why does it matter? but it reminds me of u. so it made me think of u and how that could be me and u. but it's not. fuck.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
finding truth
i know more than i will ever say, and more than i will ever admit to myself.
I've lied to protect myself, to protect others. Always in the name of protection. I learned to lie when i was 5. To protect myself from getting my ass beat. I lied at 20 to protect his heart from his ego. I lied at 21 to protect my heart from him. I loved him. I don't think he ever knew. But you can't love the right person in the wrong situation for too long before you learn you need to protect you.
Always protection.
We've lied to protect ourselves. But i wonder who gets what they need in the end. And will the truth really make us all happy?
Sometimes, the truth hurts too much. And i often live in a self sheltered existence. I have to sometimes. It's necessary.
But it's funny. To write and think you're writing for your own healing and then to see it's not for you. That the words you write are for someone else. Or even yet to learn that the person your writing for is you. Just you in another skin. Another body. Another person who can't sleep like you, who can't breathe like you. Who has lied like you and hurt like you. Only to see.. yourself in them. And then you begin to understand the anger, the pain, the insomnia.
It all begins to make sense eventually. If your open to see it. IF....your honest with only one person. The only person you need to be honest with. Yourself.
I've lied to protect myself, to protect others. Always in the name of protection. I learned to lie when i was 5. To protect myself from getting my ass beat. I lied at 20 to protect his heart from his ego. I lied at 21 to protect my heart from him. I loved him. I don't think he ever knew. But you can't love the right person in the wrong situation for too long before you learn you need to protect you.
Always protection.
We've lied to protect ourselves. But i wonder who gets what they need in the end. And will the truth really make us all happy?
Sometimes, the truth hurts too much. And i often live in a self sheltered existence. I have to sometimes. It's necessary.
But it's funny. To write and think you're writing for your own healing and then to see it's not for you. That the words you write are for someone else. Or even yet to learn that the person your writing for is you. Just you in another skin. Another body. Another person who can't sleep like you, who can't breathe like you. Who has lied like you and hurt like you. Only to see.. yourself in them. And then you begin to understand the anger, the pain, the insomnia.
It all begins to make sense eventually. If your open to see it. IF....your honest with only one person. The only person you need to be honest with. Yourself.
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