it is clear to me... that now. right now. i don't need to be in a relationship. My views are screwed and my sense of self needs to be rectified. For a while there when i was on the down slope. I thought i actually needed to fill that void of having a male in my life with another. They say the quickest way to get over one man is to get another and i thought it might be good. But it's not.
I can see in this past week. I am loving me. Really and truly. I am being selfish in my own way (which is hard for me to do at times) and im loving it. Spent the day with some of my friends from the cypher on friday. went to lunch. That was great. My big sis and two of our friends. I love them. Sweet, intelligent, decent people. That lunch led to a spa day. We went to the day spa above the poetry spot. oh my god.. it was the most beautiful saturday i can remember in a long time. If ever. I got my scalp massaged and the oil the owner sug aka flo aka i dont' know used.. was wonderful.. the massage room was so relaxing i dont know how long i was in there because then the other owner came in and massaged my feet. I needed that moment so bad and realized i need more like it.
After that i got a pedicure. which made me run out to old navy and get some flip flops. :) ran into my man Freedom. Which was great. and V who was at work even more wonderful. Free says my chi is in order and things are flowing as they should. Free and I had a great convo on music, relationship and poetry. It was great! Free is working on an album which i am most definately looking forward to he is a great lyricist. He says its a relationship album im excited for him. i love this. He encouraged me to do my own. Which has been on my mind lately. He told me i was a sincere and dynamic poet which made me smile. Free says it's sincerity that is often missing in poetry and i give that to people and that is why my stuff is good. hmmm i needed to hear that. i did. it's uplifting. so im still brainstorming on the cd.. i want it to be GOOD! so im open to ideas. thoughts, themes, words, music all that. i was tripping over who i was writing for. Free was like.. Girl always write for you. True indeed. it makes sense. it's those peoms that i write for me that i feel and in turn free says people feel that. they need that.. then im that chick!
im tripping.. i was having a really great saturday.. until.. after i went to visit my brother in the hospital who is recuperating from the back surgery he had on tuesday.. i decided to meet this dude i met online.. WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM! for 1) im convos are different animals from phone convos are completely different from one on one contact.. 2) ive broken some rules- i usually don't meet people i talk to online for the simple fact that #1 exist 3) we had a slight issue. he's feeling me this im sure of, but when i got there he had a house of full of dudes. WTF? I started a convo with his cousin that he took to be me running game uhm.. that made him upset and feel he had misunderstood who i was.. i left. short story short. i thought i wouldn't hear from him again. He called me.. which i don't know if it pissed me off or not. but 4) it's clear to me and has been for awhile that men. . are more sensitive at times than woman which leads me to the original thoughts of this entry that 5) i don't need to be in a relationship right now.
Drama. high or low is not necessary im not feeling it. ive been to the circus this year. crazy drama. im not sure what i need or want but right now.. but right now i want and need me to be me for me.. simply. im feeling doing what i want when i want. I know i love love for love. Can be addicted to that euphoric feeling, but uhm right now.. relationships = drama.. and im not looking for it. so please don't bring it to me!
thank you..
now i know once i get real comfortable with me being me.. some man i can't resist and think is THE ONE is going to show up and throw me and my meeness for a loop. i plan to be steadfast and unmoveable always abounding in the love of the jam! ;)
peace
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