bitter bitches brew

had a convo with a guy i met online. and it's obvious. I am in the midsts of my woe is me streak. He tells me. Im in a bad place and im needing some real affection, attention something b/c my view of love is screwed. and i know it's true.

I hate that it's true. I usually try to maintain a positive outlook on this whole love thing. Remain positive about the whole me myself and i thing. Try real hard to enjoy me and my time and myself and i . but sometimes. i lapse. Today i had a lapse. And im remorseful, bitter, pmsing ?, angry, upset, frustrated. This is not a good place to meet someone to give me what im lacking. This kind of attitude doesn't attract people it repels them at extreme speeds. No one wants to be around someone bitter. But here i am. Bitter bitch brewing and stewing.

Im mad at my ex for his lack of communication. Mad at myself for attempting to bridge that gap. Mad at my last "friend" for attempting to remain my friend like nothing negative has happened. I am almost offended every time he calls cuz.. i feel like he only calls when he wants something. But today.. i felt like talking to someone and i used to be able to have decent convos with him. But now they are strained. I don't trust him anymore. Im suspect of him. makes for tense convo on my end. I think he thinks its all cool. But im feeling my wall erect itself. Im mad at not moving on fast enough. Mad i could consider my ex an option. Mad he made it seem like our story wasn't finished. Mad he doesn't have any time and seems to be hell he's ingoring me. Mad. just plain mad.. and maintaining a semblance of sanity.

Im simmering below the surface.. a bitter bithces brew.

And im not like this usually so it's bothering me.. that where i used to believe that one decent person existed out there.. now i feel all men are cheaters and liars and out to get my goods and run. Im feeling like a bitter bitch.. and that's not me.. I believe in the good of all people. but this last one was the last straw.. this last "relationship which wasn't a relationship" made me erect walls i haven't seen in years.

Im defensive, im apprehensive, im needy for true and real affection, Im needing to believe that a real honest happy my life is good b/c im in love love exists.. i need that.. i wonder if i can get it and i wonder when this funk will move on.. im tired of stirring this brew.