forgive me

have you ever taken a vacation from yourself?
maybe it's because spring is soon back, soon come whateva or maybe it's the vibe playing on projectvibe.net. (I live here now the music soothes me) but i haven't been me.

I've been angry. negative. uneasy.
the last time i wrote here was 1/23/07

it's now 3/20/07.. where have i been?

I started a part-time job and a new addiction. I have resisted working at this coffe haven for almost 4 years. so long in fact that my sister started working there her first year of college and is graduating in May and baby sis got a PROMOTION ! i'm proud of her. but i don't know if i'm proud or just going with the flow when i say.. I am now what one of my co-partners calls a "Starbuckian" and i am assimilating myself to my new starbuckian language. Calling drinks in funky order is hard work. Mind boggling to say the least. And all the free coffee and tea is not helping me! i had a caffeine rush on saturday so bad after living on an iced caramel mocha and a venti carmel frappacino so bad i could feel my pupils dialated. WIDE it was crazy.

but.. Starbucks doesn't feel like work maybe it's because i get free shit and tips and i only reside there 4 hours out of maybe 4 or 5 days a week. it's nice. so far..

my other job stresses me. I used to love going to work. But lately I am usually one of 4 or 5 travel reps around and my stress level is hiiiiii. I used to think i was close to emerging out in full earth mother status.. but i am far from being cool peeps and peaceful. I'm cursing too much, bitchy and nasty. this isn't me.. and i thought loc'ng my hair again would help me get back to me.. but i also realized.. that those long hours when i can't sleep is my spirit telling me .. i am not being me.

I haven't worked on my body care line in a minute. i even think my website is down .. beautifulandwonderful.com.. uhmmm gotta pay the fee. i have order request and new items i want to release like body oils and lip balm and natural hair products.. but... i haven't been.

i also haven't been writing or singing..

I went running last Saturday and got into a "discussion" with these men yelling or as they said "preaching to the women inside" an abortion clinic. that man pissed me off and made me think if people like that are in charge of church i don't need to be there . a beautiful spirit came into my life and helps me see things clearly. things i already know but don't act on.. he says.. i am the greatest warrior that never was. I know what i am supposed to be doing and am full of so much talent i am not using. that using my talent is how i am supposed to be reconnecting with the source within and by neglecting my talents i am 1) spitting in the creators face 2) denying and killing myself. i really don't want my gifts taken away from me.. they bring me peace and sanity and happiness.. or at least they used to..

but lately.. i also see i've been a bad friend. and even a bad daughter.. apparently my dad and mom squared couldn't reach me.. they found my blog on google.. how crazy is that.. i have pregnant friends i haven't communicated with their kids might have teeth and jobs now.. and when people reach out to me i deny the connection but then i have these desperate 3am moments when i can't reach a soul and feel really lonely.. balance... and peace

i need alot of it.

writing is connection.. this is step 1
i've been writing alot more lately.. writing complete songs upon arrival back to the earth plane in the am...

now to complete the process.. put my dreams into action.. cuz the plantation will only continue to stress me and god is going to push me outta my job if i keep denying the truth in front of me before he makes me see clearly that i don't need my job.. but need to use what s/he's given me in abundance..

go do be..
forgive me those i've neglected..

gotta be the peace, love and joy i seek..
im starting with me..
you'll be hearing from me soon..

i love you
love starting with me
J