(C)(title removed)

life is full of intimate yet distant moments.. i think i finally found my album title.
Yall think i'm bs'n the album is coming. and that there is the title. (removed)

a coworker of mine died today. from a massive heart attack. she had all the signs and when she declined help she went home then to the hospital later on she had a massive heart attack at a local hospital near her home.. i am upset. death always makes me mad. it makes me reconcile with myself all my responsibilities and my station in life. take stock if you will.. but...after the melancholy and re-evaluation comes anger. everytime.

i always feel like people give up too easy. my dad. this girl. they all had choices and i feel like they misused them. i have mine. i want to live until i'm 115 and i'm not joking. All the women in my family live a very long time. besides my dad always said i was slow bloomer. I'll really be like 95 in my own years.. but 115 in earth anniversaries..

I'm not quite sure how off bloom i am.. but it's more apparent in some areas than others.

before we go on that tangent.. i have resolved if i am ever near someone exhibiting all the advance symptoms of myocardium infraction fuck what they insist on. my ass is calling 911. this chick at work had been throwing up all night. had nausea, chest pains..and people played patty cake with her.. f that. and you're certainly not going home when there is a hospital not more than 2 miles up the road.

i know people have their own life choices to make.. but i can't stand by and let you kill yourself. what is crazier.. this girls brother died 3 weeks ago to the day. her parents must be feeling it.

& now i am..
i don't care how hard the exterior is that i wear. and how much people are unable to read me.. that shit makes me mad and scared all at once.

ok.. back to my song title.. cuz.. im mad now..
how well do you really know people? really? u don't. u never will. i've resigned my self to the fact that people will let you know as much as they want, their actions will tell you the rest and if your perceptive you'll fill in the blanks but people will ALWAYS throw a wrench in the game. F'ng up what you thought you knew.
always.

there is so much i want to say.. but i'm me.. slow blooming. me.. and also over calculating, perceptive and concerned.

i find it interesting that people will get more upset with you over shit you do when it's something they've done themselves.. im not excluding myself. here.. i loved a man and found out he had another and i was jealous... for some time....but it's not like i didn't either.. i just perceived the situation differently. thought we had an understanding..

the only understanding is everyday i grow in understanding me.. and even then.. i am an enigma to myself. it's a vicious cycle.

but i realize i must be careful and it depends on how i would like to spin this
this blog.. the internet.. and my words on it.. have always been interesting to me

i used to think no one read this so i would say whatever i wanted..but the truth is.. people do read this. and i can't say whatever i want. people either read to get some kernel of truth or to see if i'm talking about them or to find out how i feel cuz i write more than i speak.everyone has their reasons.. and i have mine.. and sometimes my reasons override your future anger over my truths or my perception or lack thereof. sometimes it's best that you read about it here, cuz i may never tell you, or maybe it's not meant for you to see and i don't know your watching...which probably works for you and your voyeuristic tendencies. but i can't lie.. i like to watch too ;)

so i can't be mad..it's just weird when the mail man walks up on me and is like yo queen your writing is lagging.. get into some shit so i can read about it.. see then its a problem.. and dude.. bring back my Fredericks Catalog dry next time! u don't need to look in the catalog just ring my bell on any random day and maybe you'll catch me unaware in my beater..lol.. just let it be known.. without the catalog i may need some ace bandages to support me.. so come correct man! & stop stealing my netflixs!

man i'm silly.

i just want to leave u guys with this tidbit... it's the saddest and craziest thing i've seen in along time. it had me rolling at 4am god bless the internet for giving me access to all the things i would never ordinarily or willingly come into contact with.