monday wanderings

i'm reading over previous posts and the comments left for me for enlightenment. I won't shout you out... i'll just say. THANK YOU! You are always right. Always the saner side to my insanity and for that I more than love the connection we share. :)

In reading over my posts I'm also starting to wonder. How much of Me can you really see from the snippets I provide. I am QUEEN of writing in shade and shadow. I hide behind my words. For that I am called Deep. People who love to read, love to sift between the layers. But... I am wondering am I doing myself and my writing a disservice but not being completely open and honest? That scares me. The completely naked part. I love that I can hide. But, for years I've been saying that my writing keeps me sane. So if writing is my catharsis and in it I am not being open, honest, and as free as I have tricked myself into believing I am..... am I REALLY free? I am really writing to the best of my ability? What am I not writing that needs to be said? And if my current writing is Deep... will my unadultered utterings be even that more profound?

This is what getting up at 7am, going to the gym before 11am and actually brewing a cup of Starbucks Breakfast Blend (by myself) with Vanilla Creamer and Sugar in the Raw do to me.....

I'm asking too many questions like Carrie Bradshaw... This is not Sex in the City.. No sex in this city... at least not during Ramadan :P :)

So... what do I have to lose by baring my soul? I mean people already like me.. I am not afraid of that... I am afraid of people really, REALLY seeing me. But, I already know people like the minute shades of shown them.. so what do i really have to lose?

I wonder if this inability or block to be completely open and honest on paper along with my general paralyzing fear of failure.. are what's keeping me from actively pursuing that songwriting career i have tucked in the recesses of my mind..

I wonder.

WHY THE F@#$ is my floor shaking!?!?! i swear the little man that is my landlord finds so many ways to make SO MUCH NOISE! But it's cool.. he lets me live here for a small fee.. and gives me no grief.. he gave me a massage certificate for my b'day.. and a stocking with wine and other gifts for Christmas.. i guess he can make noise.. dude.. just put a massaging shower head into my bathroom the other day... he can make ALL the noise he wants.. I love taking a shower NOW! :) who said the claw footed tub with the telephone type shower head wasn't cool? hah!

ok... so i wonder... what am i hiding from? lets see in the next few days if i can shed some more skin.. i have to admit.. since last monday.. my snippets of phrases and song are coming back to me.. driving, showering, working... the words that used to infiltrate my private space and prompt me to write and sing... the words that evaded me for almost two years... they are slowly but surely coming back.. i guess their trying to make sure.. that i am ready.. I am!