guilt and shame

i don't know if this is a normal reaction.
Guilt?
i feel guilty for hurting him. You should listen to Can't Explain by Jill Scott. that's how i feel.
But I'm feeling so much hurt and anger from his direction. I wish i could fix it.

I guess fixing it would have included. Staying where i wasn't real and pretending to still feel.

I really can't explain it. This whole thing is new to me. here i am toturting myself for months over my feelings and in the end. I get blamed for being a heartless bitch. For trying to use him. For having a plan and a scheme. I wish it was that cut and dry.

But i'm having problems moving on, forgetting, clearing.

on one hand.. change is good. freedom is okay. this guilt is weird. I can't explain it.

I don't want to harbor guilt. I want to apologize. but i can't he's not listening. maybe i should just stop trying..

and move on...