commitment phobia

i think i'm closer to the answers.

my aunt told me a few weeks ago that i should marry my now X. She said, the woman in our family got married at least twice.. so i needed to get my first one out of the way...

but i've known this all of my life. ALL of the women on my mothers side of the family have been married more than once. my mother included. So because of this, i have always told myself i would only get married.......ONCE. Because i wanted to do that @#$#ish right!.

So i'm cautious.. perhaps overly cautious.

What's even crazier.. Friday night at the 7/11 on the way home from work for my haagen daz fix.. That's not anti-Ramadan right ? ? ? i bumped into an ex-boyfriend. Stalker/ Security Guard. Size 13's are DECEIVING! anyway.. i saw him.. spouted my i need to know someone for at least a year before i can even consider marrying them. spiel.. He looked like i sprouted wings.
Wanted to know what happened between he and I. That i had a good man and fucked it up.. Yeah.. that happens to be the story of my life. I am a repeat offender.

I have no explanations... but he said it.. I'm afraid..

I'm afraid of clingy men. I'm afraid of being smothered. IS commitment and matrimony available without cling and smother? i don't know..

so i am alone but not lonely. Single and not married. Childless but not without hope.. or am i?

this is not the first time a male counterpart has told me i would never get married.. i've heard this before. is this my response to bucking the generational family curse that i am next in line to fufill.. Just say fuck marriage and comingle with a like minded non stressful non clingy size 13 6 foot man who lives up to my filling needs?

at least i can avoid the inital messy divorce..
Maybe I am closer to the answer than i ever thought. I should tell the next man i meet i don't want to get married.. I bet that would ease alot of relationship tension right off the bat..

is this why i always feel like the man in my relationships? i hope not... i wear the sexy britches around this peace.... :P

peace yall..
j (just one..j :) )