Today is yet another day of non thinking. The second day of Ramadan. The 2nd time in two weeks that we've broken up. I have NEVER been a relationship so dramatic. NEVER. I've never broken up with someone over email.
I can't recall the last time i was able to make a decision without much delibiration. It must have been about 2 years ago. I have been stuck on stupid for almost a year now. No writing, nothing much creative is flowing out of me. and I am unable to make a simple decision. Do you love me he asks?? I don't know.. Really.. I am blank. I don't know. And it's this I don't know that's been haunting me for months. I should know. I really should. I should know if this is the one. He thinks i am. I am VERY unsure. wavering. dangling him on a string. And i miss him. I don't miss people. I am starting to miss him. But not the parts he is showing me right now. I miss the fun, the laughing, the traveling, the adventure. I don't miss the fighting or the arguing or the drama. I miss the goodness. But no goodness is left. Just anger. Just fighting. Just frustration.
and guilt. I feel very guilty for hurting another of the creators children. this is not my position to hurt. But here i am hurting. Feeling guilty for not feeling the way he feels. For not knowing the way he knows. But this is such a big decision for me. He wants marriage and kids and though he insist that my decision should not hinge on this. I know what he wants. So i am thinking is this what i want? is this the man i want to do it with?? HE already has kids, already has a "family".
And i am stuck in a stupor of indecision. I guess the answer is no. Supposedly i am selfish and uncaring. I feel so numb. Have felt this way for almost a year. I wish i was clear again.
I wish i didn't feel guilty. I wish this relationship wasn't ending like this. I wish I knew that strong creative woman i used to be.. I wonder where she went and when i will be her again. is it too late? where does your lost self go and how do you gain it back?
1 comment:
Ila,
Now we've spoken about this till we were blue in the face. Why stay just to see if what was will return? And if it does return why risk losing you again? risk him reverting to his current state again? Maybe he was just for a season, dont prolong the inevitable. The season will change regardless of you or him. Being unsure in love is a given, staying unsure is the problem. You have to decide if this is what you want for you, your future, your children and their future. Children are on both of your agendas. They will pick up mommy and daddys idiosyncracies, habits and moods. How productive of a child do you think you will have with those issues? I'm just saying...
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