I actually got up and went to church today. I like it for the sheer fact that I get to spend quality silly time with my sister and brother. My sister looks wonderful. Has her hair done, she was wearing some shoes i envied and was off to get a pedicure when i left to take a nap before work. My little brother is 6'3" and today said as my big brother that he thanked me and said he loved me because i finally gave him his iPod. Merry Christmas!! :) Procastination is BAAAAD!
My sister wants to marry Aaron McGruder. I'd second that emotion. She says she has enough sarcasm and wit to match his.. I'd love to see that.
But on to other things. Like the things i don't write about in this blog.
It's come to my mind today that I am in the most dramatic relationship of my life and I don't see where it's going right now.
In all honesty, I am consistent in my inconsistencies. I have been told on many occassions that it's my uniquness that draws people to me. I don't call when i get off work. I may not call everyday. I don't ask for shit. Sometimes i do. Sometimes i need attention. Sometimes i demand it. Most times I don't. But lately there is a shift occuring.
My relationship is filled with drama. Apparently, I didn't call again last night. It is not believed that I actually talk until 1am in the work parking lot talking to my co-workers. These are some funny chicks. I wish i was lying. So i didn't call when i got home.. again... Apparently my SO was sick. so sick he had to go to the ER. But i didn't call. He's pissed. But this is some other shit. This is some built up for months, your not the attentive girlfriend i need, you must have someone else occupying your time, i see a breakup in the future.. again.. stuff...
I'm just thinking. I am not without fault. I've f'd up before. But now... I'm seeing things. Like I don'twrite like i used to. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster for some time now. I wish i could explain it. I'm in a spot i've never been in before. I stayed after he hit me. When i said i'd never do something like that. A hit he does not remember. For a sin we will not speak of.
Im getting angry text messages that are pushing me to do something, say something, be something. I don't think I'm her. I know I'm not domesticated. I flinch when I hear again the question of when I'm gonna bear seeds. When he already has 4. i don't see the rush.
My life is in no rush. I tread lightly. sometimes tread backwards. But it's bad when you don't write. And you've spent your life writing. I don't know how to write about this.
I just see the possible end of a chapter and i'm wondering If i haven't been writing my own story of late. Whose holding my pen?
2 comments:
Ila the Thrilla... there is so much I could say, so much to offer, but you and I are so alike I feel as though you'll know what to do when its time to do it. But after reading this maybe a nudge in the right direction would be helpful... Your lack of interest, sabotage, and everything else should tell you you are in that place agin. "Staying just because" isn't a reason to stay where you aren't free to be you. I know you are truly a butterfly that needs to fly in whatever direction you choose. So fly...
i want to say i hate you.. but i love you too much. Your words made my start crying. too much truth for me to handle at one time. I wish i wasn't at work when i decided to go ahead and read your words.
we are truly a part of the same spirit seperated at birth. I'm glad we didn't get too lost and found each other again..
jam
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