I could have told him anything. Could have told him how I don’t miss him b/c I keep him close to me. Could tell him. I don’t miss him because I just pretend he’s not as far away as he really is. Could have told him I spent my early am till 2am reading about multiple births because I’ve always wanted to have twins… Could have told him I’ve been putting myself in seclusion not in contact with people who want to tempt me, because I know how he feels about me. I could have told him I wake up at weird times and I can feel him. Think about him enough till my thoughts get strong enough and he calls me.. I could have told him anything…
Instead, I told him I went to lunch with my X. Didn’t tell him he’s the very X that got me to start writing this blog. The very X that tore my world apart. Didn’t tell him why I did it. Or even if I could even put it into words that would make sense to him…couldn’t tell him I just want to be sure. Can’t tell him I look for flaws in Him daily but haven’t been able to find any. Don’t tell him I am a master at self sabotage. But he knows. Doesn’t know.. Being around my X depresses me. Makes me miss Him. Really miss him. Appreciate that he broke my heart so that now I can acknowledge what real love feels likes…. That… seeing my x…Makes me miss the lazy Sundays and the jokes and the jokes and the times together that scare me. Because in reality.. there is no drama.. we fit into each others lives seamlessly. And that scares me… that after a life of stress and drama.. he comes in so easily.. fits himself right into my life.. that I have no need for worry and stress and drama.. only the fight that comes when he leaves it to me to decide where dinner is.. and I can never make up my mind..
But I don’t say these things.. so he believes I don’t care.. don’t understand, don’t love…
But I could have told him… anything.. that would have reminded him.. of the bridge.. or that first kiss… I demanded with my eyes just to be sure.. of what my heart was telling me.. and my soul already knew… or the Sunday he kidnapped me … and I fell in love with experiencing new adventures with him.. that experiencing life with him is an adventure… I’ve been waiting for.. that I’ve been contemplating Vegas and eloping… I could have told him these things…
I wish I did..
No comments:
Post a Comment