everyone wears the mask but how long will it last- the fugees

So.. Lately .. I realize.. I've been in hiding.. Personally.. Emotionally.. Me.. I've been in hiding.. Not been me And I think I've been honest with myself.. Expressing my me-ness.. But I'm not.. How does it reveal itself.. When I realize.. I'm being uncharacteristically rude and people are walking away with their feelings hurt b/c im not my normal sweet and smiley self.. And I don't know if im more disgusted at myself.. b/c they are upset and walking away like dogs with their tails between their legs, or if I'm more upset with myself for not expressing myself before.. I think I'm more upset that I've been harboring this poison within me for so long.. That is what disgust me the most.. That I've been putting on the mask.. Smiling for the world and keeping my thoughts, opinions and shit to myself keeping the peace..

My hibernation has allowed me time to spend time with myself in depth.. I had enough time to watch the entire first season of the L Word and the beginning of the second… and I realized.. After someone commented on my bitterness.. That I was emerging from this hibernation period.. A different person.. Not a bad thing at all.. But all the people in my life except for a select few like my former friend L and my big and little sister know how nasty I can really be.. I wear the fucking mask..

I used to get upset when on the rare occasion I expressed myself and people got pissed b/c I wasn't smiling..But that is my fault I accept that.. I let these people believe I was this happy go lucky girl.. I prefer to keep my shit to myself.. Keep it private.. I don’t like broadcasting who im going out with, or why I don't have a car at the time.. I feel my personal shit is none of your business.. But an off shoot of that is I don't want people worrying about me.. So I don't ask for shit.. And I don't talk about what I feels is negative or sad shit in my life.. I don't bring up my issues.. If at all.. So.. It's my fault I admit

But I no longer feel the need for the mask.. Fuck em… as a result.. I have been snappy with my ex.. We were supposed to meet.. He didn't show up.. He apologized.. I told him not too.. Told him this behavior was typical .. He said I seemed bitter.. Not bitter.. Just real.. The reality is.. You often make dates and don't show up.. Don’t apologize for this one time.. This is You.

Another friend.. After seeing a long assss line outside the venue last night.. Walked right in, told me he was ordering food, I said it was alright believing he was not staying just getting food and leaving.. And when I turn around his ass has his jacket off and is getting served a plate.. I grabbed his knife.. And told him I wanted to stab him in the fucking eye.. B/C he lied to me.. Maybe I overreacted.. But I really wanted to stab him in the eye with a fork covered in hot sauce.. I told him he lied.. And I had a line of people on the waiting list and he tried this innocent role.. And when he tried to apologize.. I told him not to be sorry.. Keep that shit.. Threw the knife on the table and ignored his ass..

My friend Mone'' says I overacted.. But her ass wasn't working the door and didn't have to tell over 30 people they couldn't come in and this ass walks on in thinking he's special and sits his ass down when I tell people I was overcapacity and couldn't let them in.. That makes me look bad.. My sister says I was right.. Cuz even our other friends who normally press me about getting them didn't even bother me..

I don’t know.. But those are two recent examples.. Overacting or finally doing what I should have done long ago.. I don't know.. But the mask is uncomfortable now.. Kinda like those plastic halloween mask you used to wear as a kid.. All sweaty on the inside.. Disguising who you really are.. And I just need room to breathe… just let me breathe.. Please…