i am great at creating diversions for myself, I have even decided that at work.. I NEED diversions to get me through the day.. or else.. My eyes will glaze over and get catiracs like b/c i've stared at the blue screen too long and not blinked.. so i check my yahoo mail. NOT my WORK mail. I check my blog. I somtimes write entries. I found a new diversion since the nosey guy in the cube next to me kept questioning what screens i had up and i had stop using AIM at work.. I started cruising Amazon and listening to song clips.. it's crazy.. It's not enough to actually use earbuds so i can blast Cree Summer or NAS or Mos Def at work.. and look busy cuz i keep the ear bud in one ear and that ear faces my cube wall.. NO now i have to defy job policies and slave style sneak in AIM or use my work email to send emails to my other creative friends at work.. who are waiting for Massa to say it's okay to stop picking cotton today and run back to our cabins..
But right now It's Sunday @ 12:10am.. hell why rush the weekend it's 12am on Saturday night.. and I decided that I would put my Massage routine on index cards.. I have not sat down long enough to get the 9 steps on 9 cards.. NOOOOOO I have been doing this since last night.. My new music obsession... NEO-Soul type gospel.. I have been blasting Debra Killings at work for the past few days.. and have stumbled in my Amazon travels across... Tonex, Tye Tribbet, Lisa McClendon, Nysa Shenay, Lejune Thompson, Montrell Darett and Deitrick Haddon.. and today at home.. i've been using bearshare..to add to my already crazy music obsession..I am finally on card 9 and feel like i still need to condense my cards down to half of that.. or at least make what i have neater..
I have found time to Go to Fire on Fridays, surf the net, see of my order from OYIN is ready , it's not JAMYLA WHY!!!???, read up on the above artists, go to a play at church, stop by a rehersal for Lyric Ave.. and im not even in any skits this week! take my car to the shop to get part of my broken splash guard "trimmed" off the front bumper of my lovely stratus.. ;) write emails, go to the Christmas Parade, trim my hairs.. yeah.. once every few months.. i think the bush needs maintenance.. and i get happy and ms.. victoria trims away all her secrets.. ok.. i have never called her ms. victoria.. but i think you get the message.. if i had a man who cared.. that i was bald.. it'd be cute.. but she's bald.. and i have no one to really share that info with.. but i did find time to watch a friend give another friend a round-up, help a friend write a song, got to taste some forbidden fruit, picked up my little 6 foot brother from hanging out.. and came back here.. to write this.. This is not studying.. but then im sitting here as i compile poems for my next chapbook and realize.. Im feeling needy.. and i wonder..
What causes the urge to be loved? ? ? besides the obvious.. that i probably need it.. I want someone to share me with.. and a few thingz in my life scare me...
1) the last guy i really liked had 3 kids, from 2 women. And is still getting his life together
2) the last guy i liked before him.. had 1 and i NEVER met her.. but heard enough about her momma.. her triflin' momma... why are the baby mommas always trifling???? i had to put a stop to that.. you LIKED her one time long enough to bump uglies and share the forbidden fruits with each other long enough for some of that ugly to be diluted and some of that fruit to be smeared across your lips and drip down your chin and create new beings.. you know!?!?! stop making her look bad in front of me.. cuz you dont' want me to think you still care about her..
3) the new guy i like, who makes me feel some kind of something im trying to keep at bay.. has 5 count em... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 CHILDREN! WTF!?!? i thought he was lying.. he is not.
and i feel like maybe alarms are going off in a distant section of my mansion and maybe.. i should be alerted and ready to run or stop, drop and roll.. but i haven't yet.. and i realize.. i want certain things in my relatioship life.. one of them is a man who has time for me.. the second is an unconditional love the third is well this is new cuz i never thought it mattered or that i was that shallow.. but im getting older.. i want a good mental and PHYSICAL relationship.. i would go into detail but i'm not ready to let on how shallow my needs now are.. HELL! i need a man who is able to withstand this.. many are not called.. so the chosen shall be few. but the few better know that THIS is not THAT.. THIS is special.. it's different.. it's nice and warm.. and special..and wet... damn .. i am tripping... so i wonder.. what causes the urge to be loved.. to want someone to care for you, be there for you someone if i decide to let down my guard.. will let me.. and will let me curl up in my normal fetal sleeping position and find comfort in their presence.. i need that.. WHY?
1 comment:
Damn Jam. U R one impressive lil sista. AIM at work?? My gov't job has all of these silly firewalls to prevent the download of certain things or else I'd be right there doing the same thing like you. Whatever edge I need to get thru the work day. I wrote a similar blog about the work place myself luv. A lil more "next level" with coworkers but along the same vein. Looking for love huh luv? Very sweet. You'll be there one day.
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