do you see me ?

Perception of self & selfhood

who cares?

as much as i try not to.. i care about what people think about me. I like to think it's because I know myself to be very self absorbed.. I call it minding my own damn business.. I don't know much gossip, so im always surprised when i hear stories about people i know.. but at the same time. I feel eyes on me. My friend S calls this being paranoid. I calling it being sensitive.. B/C i know people watch me. They have to be. Strangers know my name. People approach me in public places like Wal-Mart and Target to tell me they like my work, they watch my show.. . So I KNOW people are watching me.. The life of a minor-minor local celeb. MINOR.. lol.

The fact still remains.. I wonder what people think about me. I wonder what they say, and what there perceptions are. I had a friend who would never tell me b/c he thought it would make me change who i was.. and in some aspects that's why i want to know.. To know if im making a complete and utter ass of myself and if there are things i need to change about my character.To know what the good things are.. (I've had people tell me im sexy.. i don't see it..) And these are things you can only see through others eyes. B/C Bingo eyes are watching me. But people don't want to give up that kind of info. Or haven't met an honest enough person to give me a good view of who i am outside of myself. So sad.. Maybe i need to get someone to tape me. So i can see it for myself. I just need some help here people.

Some may call this selfish.. I call this character refining. It's not different than what actors in training do. Tape themselves being natural so they can see what their own mannerism and what not are. It's not any different.. I am the main character in my life and I want to play my part right.. Is there anything wrong in that? I don't think so.. But then again.. My life.. is all about me.. Im sure having children will change this for me. It does that for some people.. But im the kind of person who not only sees through my own eyes.. but will give up my last dime for people i care about.. Do for others B4 i do for self.. and sometimes that script needs to be flipped.. So here i am..

Wondering who i am to the crowd. Wondering what my "fans" think. Just curious.. Maybe i'll find someone honest enough to give me a good picture of who i am. Im just wondering..