Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda to Done

There is alot to miss about the past year, and alot to let live in 2007.
I will miss my peace of mind, but i am slowly regaining it.
I will let my rage, anger,fears and unlived potential rest in 2007. Right where they belong, in the past.

I would like to leave all my naysayers in 2007 as well. B/C I forgot i couldn't use people as diaries. I even stopped using this as my journal. I became afraid to use my "gifts" lost my drive, became depressed and a shell. And in the end, I am left with me.

So, if i told you off this year.. you probably deserved it. If i walked away from you, i probably couldn't handle it, if i showed you i cared. I meant it. If i was rude or quiet, subdued or missing-in-action. I was lost and you might have tried to find me. But, you didn't.. And i did. In the end. I came out allright.

So, If i told you some of my dreams, some of my hopes, some of my wishes and you told me i was bs'n well.. F U. Cuz, i don't need you dream killing. If i shared a hope or a wish with you, it's because i trusted you to be someone to help and or support me, and forgive me for thinking you were that kind of person.

So, if you don't see me, if i seem a little different, if you can't reach me, or if all of a sudden, the missing girl I was appears, dresses a little different, seems a bit more real and not transparent, if my words show up on this page without fear of repercussion, well. I am finally re-becoming the me I have wanted to be. And honestly, It's about damn time.

Someone i care about, a man i have loved visibly on words on here and cut down with my anger.... told me, I should stop caring about what people who really don't give a shit about me, think about me. And do me. So Mr. Hood, you're right.

(and i'm sorry i wrote about you on here, but honestly writing is my therapy and sometimes i knew you couldn't hear me)

In 2008.. I'm going to stop hindering my own progress to make other people feel better (ie. more comfortable around me). I'm going to stop giving so freely to others before I give to myself. I'm going to stop talking about my dreams and make steps to achieve them.

So thank you for pushing me down in 2007 if you had any hand in that. Thank you for lying to me, enjoyed causing a ruckus,raising my blood pressure, telling me bad stories, holding a grudge, lied on your person and used me as a crutch, are cursing my name, hating my person. Thank you. For aiding in my depression moments. my moments of self-doubt. For my lonely moments. Thank you for unashamedly loving me, if you did. For showing me that good people still exist. Thank you. If you had a hand in making me smile. Thank you... If you cleared the air, told your story, kept it real. Thank you...

For both sides of that coin, i am a better me. And that's all i can or should aim to me. the best J I can be. So thank you... and i hope to report month by month... the successes of the new year. I've got a few promising things in store..

but no more wishing, no more woulda, coulda's or shoulda's... It's getting done.
and that's all.

Happy 2008!