I want to write something deep and profound but my feelings right now don't have tangible expressions. It's spurts of euphoria and glimpses of my future and realizations of who I am and who I've always wanted to be and seeing that as a great and close possibility.. I have these moments.. they are great when they occur.. but I need to document and remember them on the off times when im feeling down and dull and uninspired amongst my uncreativity and the doldrums of despair.. okay maybe not despair.. but you know what I mean..I need to remember this euphoric moments and call upon them when I forget that these moments exist.. I need remember these things when im slightly down and depressed. I tend to forget.. then when I remember.. im like.. damn.. im good, im cool.. Im good enough, im smart enough and gosh darnit people like me.. andthey do .. and I am... but I should always remember that.. you know?
life occurs in cycles.. I know I can't be happy all the time.. what would I write about.. lol.ok im kidding.. but really.. life does have it's cycles.. someone once told me the exact number of days a cycle has.. but I don't remember.. im sure it's a roundabout round the way number.. like 33 days.. or something like that. who knows?? someone does.. and they're going to read this page and tell me ;)
so im not stuck on the whole relationship thing.. it was getting me down yesterday.. I was considering taking steps back and asking me ex if we could make it work.. then I had to remind myself why it couldn't. 1) he doesn't have time 2) soon I wont have time 3) I know how to work my time when there is someone I care about 4) he's a virgo.. he's focused.. Music is his bitch. 5) music is my religion.. But I make time for people. 6)I don't really think we want the same things 7)im always going to remember that he left me for the pastors daughter and gave me the lame excuse that god said we were unequally yoked. and later on.. that he thought i was cheating on him and that he was upset b/c he couldn't provide the life for me he wanted to give.. even if i hadn't asked for it 8) he doesn't know I know who he left me for. or that i loved him for who he was.. money or fame or not 9) in the back of my mind im going to be cautious that he could Jekyll and Hyde on me again.how many licks does it take to get to the center of jamila's heart? 10) many of these points are the same.. but it all adds up to there are many many men out there.. who are willing and able though busy to make time for a saavy, creative, silly, sexy, down to earth poetry soul chic like me.. ( I can't believe I used some of these words but at times.. and at moments.. I am them) im not willing to settle just b/c im feeling needy or lonely.. or b/c I think that at least I know what this fools faults are.. faulty logic at best. I deserve the best.. and i think i should have the best.. settling is never good..
so my mind is made up.. great.. I usually waver.. im proud of me.. yeah J.. thank you for witnessing my transformation.. lol..
back to work I go..
luvjam
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