i feel like i must question my own sanity. I think i tend to be a fairly stable creature. PRedictable at times.. but some days.. i know i don't feel the same.. my emotions flip and flop.. like today.. well maybe i am on the same path afterall.. Last week I came to grips with the relationship with my ex... it's been a year since the fated incident that made us go our seperate ways.. and though we talk alot.. we do nothing.. which prompted the poem in the previous post.. we talk about being friends, aplogize.. but make no moves in any direction.. i finally came to grips with the fact that .... i can be his friend.. truly a friend.. not a friend with plans on becoming a mate.. no hidden motives.. just a friend.. i want nothing more.. which feels great..i knew all along before what my motives were.. i wanted him to love me again.. shocking to write.. cuz i've never admitted that.. that i actually still cared for him.. but i did/do. have.. now.. it's a little distant.. im not sitting home pining over him.. i feel a bit free about that.. so today.. we're im'ing online.. and i realize.. my heart is welling.. i don't take time to learn much about chakras and the whole nine just a few glances.. i didn't study for this test sorry.. but he told me about his aunt being sick.. his favorite aunt.. and at that point.. I saw him.. as i used to see him.. as i see myself... strong on the outside.. needy on the inside.. not weak.. but there is a stance you uphold when you have a position of status and or power where people depend on you.. when i met him he was that smooth in control brother.. im attracted to power... blame my mom.. anyway.. when i got to know him.. i saw.. it's a mask.. necessary in public.. but behind closed doors he could be himself.. i was myself.. and we were the same person.. it's my time old question.. Who does Superman go to for help and assitance? we turned to each other.. so while seeing his insides.. my heart swelled.. wanted to reach out and hug him.. wanted him to be happy from the inside out.. i know he's not.. wanted to just be there to talk to him.. it was like a genuine feeling of love building up in my chest and going in his direction..and that's a big step and i couldn't word it for him..
that.. i am at a spot that i could be his friend with nothing more and nothing less than i want you to be happy.. i want to be able to be that person you can talk to if you need it... just be there.. b.c i know how hard it is to find friends.. that's all..
i wonder how many friendships are messed up b/c the energy that is there when you first meet is misconstrued to be sexual when it's supposed to be a sign that you have found a kindred spirit.. not necessarily a soul mate.. i don't really believe in that.. but there are people you connect to on certain levels.. b.c your experiences, your thoughts, your desires are the same.. you connect.. and then again.. i have no regrets... maybe we were supposed to connect on all those levels.. i can't say it was a bad thing ;)
so that is where my head is today..
i thought i was wavering too much.. but im cool today.. kinda like a little stream.. just here.. flowing.. i thought i was needy one day and not the next.. and it turns out.. im not.. im stable.. still that silly girl they call j.. i just feel subdued today.. could be the cloudy weather.. but i don't feel needy.. im actually enjoying this time.. for me.. i love being in love.. but there is something to be said. for learning to love you with that much energy as well..
funny though... loving someone after a storm.. i've done it with two people so far.. and it feels great.. i can hold a grudge TRUST!.. but here it feels so uncessary so much of a burden to hold on.. and loving them even after the fact.. is wow ! i know my mom won't understand this.. will anyone? the two men who broke my heart last.. i love them. i may never verbalize it.. it's more of a feeling.. like i want the best for you. i forgive you. .i can talk to them.. chill.. and my mom still despises her last two husbands.. that was a turning point for me.. made me see.. i may be my mothers daughter.. but i am not becoming her fully.. and i needed to see that.. some things about becoming my mother scare the heck out of me.
my 3 cents.. ;)
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