when it all, all falls down - L.Hill

Tears to me.. have always been a sign of weakness. I am reminded of my elementary school days.. when i cried EVERY day.. no lie.. EVERYDAY when someone picked on me.. I cried.. when someone said something i didn't like. I cried. Or threw tremendous temper tandrums... cuz it feels damn good to throw shit when your mad. But i've changed alot since then. I keep alot of stuff to myself and i rarely display my physical strength.

But lately, I find myself crying. And the release is wonderful.. and messy all at the same time. I hate when people ask me what's wrong. it makes me cry even more.. Why am i crying.. Don't ask questions.. In the midsts of a heaving.. weaping session..I have no answers.. and all i can hear is Lauryn Hill singing.. "When it all .. All falls down" over and over.. and i don't lke to feel hopless and depressed.. But i realize.. i can no longer hold it all in or try to hold it all up for everyone.. My family is giving me migraines... My grandmother called me and that felt good and she said.. Well at least your love life. .is good.. at least... i hope it stays that way.. I would not like it all to fall down. i couldn't take that.. and i learn again slowly but surely.. that it's all about your mindset.. Your thoughts ... having control over that and in turn having control over my life.. i feel powerless have felt powerless lately..people are turning to me.. and i can't fix what ails them cuz it's not directly connected to me.. so i feel powerless.. have had a migraine for a week straight.. wake up with a headache everymorning especially when i think more.. and i think all the time.. probably more than the normal american citizen.. i think alot and run shit over and over.. and while reading Think and Grow rich to avoid my own shit.. i realize.. i need to visualize and focus on some good stuff cuz i already know i'm great at manifesting this powerlessness thing..

so that is that.. it doesn't all fall down.. but these walls.. these constraints that i have kept up for protection are no longer needed..i need to be me for me.. and fix what i can.. cuz as grandma says.. if you don't help yourself.. you can't help anyone else.. which isn't new.. that love of my life.. said the same thing.. several times over.. if nothing else.. i love this man.. cuz he builds me up... constantly.. doesn't allow me to wallow in the depths of self pity... and i need that..

so these tears.. mean to me.. i must be hitting a breaking point.. i have heard.. that god, spirit what have you.. often breaks you down right b4 bringing you to a better place... i guess that is therefore the genesis of a "breakthrough" i could be off.. but being broken down to be built back up.. can't really be a bad thing.. after being this low. which is a low for me.. i never cry.. it has to be a low point.. all i can see from here is a movement in an upward direction.. and i greatly need it.

jw