So.. I haven't been blogging in a long ass time. Some of the reasons for the absence are not severe, but then i came across "Indigo Trails of My Mind" and noticed she hasn't been online or written in like 2 years, 800 days, eons and a few posts down from the top of the page she has a blog about why she's not writing and in those words I see some of my own trepidation.
As i sit here, I am supposed to be studying for an Esthetics exam at 8am tomorrow morning. This is my study break. But I wonder, how long of a break should i take from writing. It's been since about 2008, since I've been able to write freely. and some of the things Nikki said I feel also, once people i know had access to this page and started to read and dissect my words, pick them apart, (pick me apart) and report back to live people i knew im my real day, in my real life, well then shit got too real. This wasn't supposed to be that real place. This was my escape. and where did i have to escape to if this place was taken from me. Punc.tuation. be damned.
So i've been frozen, and as a result, my life is starting to suffer. I first came to to this blog as a refuge from pain. I had just broken up with a boyfriend and needed to release, coming here was fun. Then it became a hassle and who wants to keep defending themselves against unwelcome intruders? i don't. So i froze, i stopped, and i stopped in all facets of my life. I stopped writing poetry, I stopped performing to the point where people would ask me to get on stage and I stopped going to venues, because I didn't want to be pestered anymore. I've turned to designing pages for other people.
I lost a job, I got a new one, I went back to school. I met a man. A real live, cool, loving man. and the man i once wrote about who i thought was cool as shit, but who had a women he lied about who read my page and went back to him to show him my words and dissected my bullshit, well he's full of shit and as a result i think, I must be full of shit. So what's to write about?
Well, I need to break away from the guy i once thought was oh so good for me, and make peace with the fact that I found "HIM" and i can't be freely with "HIM" as long as my past is groveling and pulling at my strings trying to make something of a clear and distinct nothing. MY friends say I need to make a clean break, that the new relationship isn't worth the trials of the old one, but old dude lingers. I'm done though. I hope he happens across this and sees it and realizes he is not my him anymore and that i am done. Done with the lies, the falsehoods, the pretending. I always said people didnt change, but i take it back. People change, I am changing. I am imagining a life i didn't allow myself to imagine before and i need to be free to explore it. Now if only the got damn words would flow for me again, maybe i could get all this chatter out of my head..
Peace.
J
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