tell me something

i write best when i am mad, passionate, excited, compelled.

today i am mad or maybe just in love

i love the people who when they get mad or otherwise inclined feel that it is then time to dissect everything about your being and tell YOU about YOURself. like who else is a better knower of you, the real you, than YOU?

it is in these moments that i finally see me & not for the obvious reasons. I finally get to see me through someone else's eyes and someone else's actions and i see me, when they get mad.

it's not that i am perfect. i have never professed to be. it is not that i have reached nirvana, i am far from that place. it is not that i have met Jesus and i am finally having my own "Great Revelation" no. it is not because now i can finally see. i am just me. i am all i ever said i was,or not. and sometimes the person with the problem is not me.

i am fine being quirky, silly, sometimes sexy, mostly not, lazy, busy, working, sleeping, writing, non-writing, hiding, moving, living, breathing, purple, green, blue, aqua, red, orange, singing, dancing but mostly laughing. ( i am really me when i am laughing) ME.

i am sorry if you felt i was something else like a listener, a healer, a daughter, a mother, a sister, a wife, a writer, a poet, a blogger, or some other silly attribute given to women of a certain age, bearing children or work or words or breasts (rather large one we might add) or love.

i never sold any bills of goods. i never posted any bills.

i am just me.
and i am sorry i kept on being me with my proper misuse of the language and i fckd shit up.
or fucked up your view of me, but i never really changed.

so im not sorry.
im still me
being me
just the way i have been.
what i am really sorry about is listening to strangers (ie the people outside of me) who thought they had the fucking answers. they never did. they had time and opportunity.
some of them had computers. and everyone with a computer and a keyboard thinks if you put your life online they have a write to edit and post on it. but then again, i never said i was anything more... than me. the blog even says.. as if i have the answers. i dont and when i think i do.... i dont

so i hope you, with the reading, the analyzing and the wondering. i hope you got what you were looking for. i hope it lived up to all your expectations and dashed all your fucking dreams. because i never professed to be anything great or beautiful or wonderful. i am just as fucked up as you think you are not. ( psst.. but you are.. just as fucked up as you think i am.) otherwise you wouldn't be here for YEARS over analyzing the dumb shit i say looking for the he saids and she saids.. when most of the time.. most of you had my phone number and my email address and could have just asked plain out instead of hiding behind the scenes and causing more drama by using my words against me.

but it is what it is.
because in the end. i am okay. you are okay. and one day you will stop pointing your finger, and yelling, and flailing your arms like the mad wo/man you are... and realize.. it is time to just be you ... read this drivel if you like.. sometimes its entertaining but i never have the answers and even when i think i do.. i dont

its the beauty of life. and now im going out to live it.
some good ass pizza awaits. and thats a fact. or maybe a matter of opinion.

peace
j