i have not been sleeping well lately.. and when i fall asleep it's only for 5 or 6 hours.. case in point.. i got up at around 6 yesterday.. got up to help my sis move at 9am. fell asleep on her couch at midnight then physically crawled home to my own bed. yeah it's close enough to crawl too. with sores on my toes and all. this morning.. i woke up promptly at 5 something am.. what is wrong with me?
nothing was on my mind.. had some interesting dreams.. but nothing to get me up about.
im thinking about trust and relationships and how a few weeks ago in the demise of my relationship i was thinking. Its better to be the victim than the breaker uper. I hate to be the bad guy.. but now i realize.. that's a lie too. either way on either end it hurts like shit. I dont get pleasure in causing others pain and i dont get pleasure in being caused pain. My life is one big pain cycle with sparkles of maybe sunshine. The sun goes down everynight.. the sun never erases pain.. it just intensifies it at times.
I really don't want to spend my life being a victim or causing others pain. But i think at times it's worse to be in denial of yourself. To cause yourself pain. Because in the end.. the secondary players in your life will come and go.. but you are always there. you wake up with you, go through the day with you and go back to bed with you.. You can't escape you... no matter how much you try to smoke it out or drown it. It's not going anywhere... so in the end.. who are you making happy?
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