Dear X...

Dear X...

Dear X:

I realize now if i were someone else.. on the outside looking in.. I would have told myself to get over you a long ass time ago.. But I am not the woman looking in on the girl I am.. I am the girl looking out on the woman i should be and for a moment i am ashamed to admit.. That i still carry a piece of you with me. We have left so much unresolved. So much hinging on chance. So much unsaid. But I've come to a point of change in my life. A point of personal honesty. A place where i can no longer carry a inkling of hope for us, because it does not help me move on to my future. So X.. It is here i release you. I let you go. It hit me last monday. Sitting in my car at lunch. Where I genuinely called to reach out to someone and you as usual had no time. After 10 minutes on hold, I hung up. And you called back a bit perturbed with my hanging up. But it hit me in that moment.. that I should stop waiting for you. You make it seem like you care, and you will reach back to me. But you never do. And after that I cried. For a good hour. And it's not even that i was crying for you. I was crying for me. Releasing all the things I've been holding in for so long.. and it was beautiful. It was necessary.. It allowed me to make space for what truly matters, what i truly need. A space within me I can feel comforted and cared for.

X. I don't know what you think. Im not even going to ask. Getting answers from you is liking pulling teeth from an unwilling 8 year old. crazy.. I just believe.. that if you were interested, you'd show it. If you cared, you'd show it. If you wanted something from me, You'd ask.. And you do none of these things.. So i release you. I hope you find happines.. I hope you are able to get over yourself long enough to allow someone else in to love you or for you to even love yourself.

If loving you has taught me anything. It's how i should treat me. and for that i thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes. Thank your for closing my heart. And allowing myself to get mad enough to do what i need to do. Thank you.

Bye X.
I can truly say.. I loved you.. but i love me too.. And i am the person i have to wake up to every morning.. and deal with everyday.. And for some reason ;) I think im a worthwhile person to spend time with, spend money on, and take care of..

i wish you well..

love,
jamila j.