honestly speaking

I now see why people overprotect me. i do it to myself, i do it for them. Lately i've been on this real streak where im actually speaking my mind without guilt.. well i felt a little guilty. but it's the truth.. everything im saying is the truth. ive just been used to containing my rawness.. it's not necessary all the time. But i think it might be. I think i've been hindering myself. People don't need me to save them. They don't need me to coddle them. They need to hear the truth so they can operate with that knowledge and stop SHITTING on me. Plain and simple. So this is what happened.. everything has a story.

I met up with my ex last week. We connected like old times and then.. i didn't hear from him for the rest of the week. no nothing. He tells me on im last night that his computer at his job was acting up and that he was sorry he didn't call. My thing is.. Don't say one thing and do another. Don't ask if i honestly think we can have open and honest communication and then don't communicate. It doesn't work like that. And while driving this morning i started thinking it may never work. I don't think i'll ever be able to move away from the fact that at one point and time he hurt me. It's going to keep me cautious and me on the look out for the signs that i should be running again. Im trying to forgive and forget.. honest..but i forget completely.. doesn't that make me a fool.. again?

So he didn't talk to me for the rest of the week and it just makes me think. Well i told him.. You almost got cut off over some bullshit. I REALLY dont want to make time in my life to repeat cycles.. I think im old enough to learn my lessons.. and i don't want to repeat anything i don't need to. I never got left back in school. Im trying not to get left back in life. It was weird to me how we fit back together.. so easily..like there were no riffs and no time seperating us from the last time.

So i spoke my mind.. told him what i was feeling. (that cutting off comment) And he said.. Goodnight.. goodnight. WTF?!?!?!?

Don't ask for honest and open communication and when im open wide and honest with you cut me off. that shit pissed me off. Id like to blame this sinus infection for this new attitude i have.. It's enabling me to make decisions quickly. it's making me feel like i shouldn't be dealing with bullshit.. my girl tells me i need to start intergrating this attitude into my daily life.. it's been missing. which brings us back full circle.. ive been toooooooo nice to people
they don't need me to protect them. They need the truth. but i now i see why people do it to me.. i do it to them. Withold my straight up attitude.. to protect them.. cuz i know my lioness self can be a bit uhmmm.. well i've kept it under wraps for so long.. do i even remember how to be a 24/7 b i t c h.? and not even a bitch really just open and honest.. and open.. that's it.. i hold in a lot for the sake of niceness.. lots of girls are bitchy.. im not really trying to be that way.. im trying to be tactful.. but at the same time.. true to me.. and sometimes.. for the sake of niceness i hold alot in... to save other people from me.. forget that.. i need to stop hindering me..

so sorry hon.. i once thought i could marry this man.. but in 9 mos ... it seems that things don't change.. im just sorry he can't accept what he asked for.. i guess he liked me better when i didn't speak my mind and appeased his soul.. oh well... it's too late and too old for that.. i need someone at least who can accept the honest and open communication they ask for.. and if they enjoyed my company.. be able to call me at least 3 days in the vacinity of our meeting.. it's the little things.. i don't need to be called daily.. that's annoying.. but you know.. every once in awhile show/ take initiative.. it goes a loooooooooooong way..

Honest J