so maybe time does not heal a broken heart but gives it amnesia.
why do i say this? i had an im convo with my ex last week. the self same dude i wrote about in the beginning of my journal. The one who prompted me to write many a sad entry. Check the archives.. for further details. I was moody and depressed for MONTHS. thought i had gotten over it. But realized i wasn't. Started writing a poem last week about it. but it's not done yet. What is it about? About how i keep walking into people i used to be with. And how eerie that is. I don't know if my heightened sense of afraid is a good or bad sign when i walk into people who remind me of my ex. Don't know if it means im not over him, or that i am and walking into someone who looks like him when im not expecting to see him is just some scary shit. I don't know. But it happens.
So last week, Mr x-man and I had a im convo where he asked me if believed honestly if we could have an intimate relationshp. Intimate meaning open and honest communication. something we fucked up the first time. And i said for any relationship to work those elements of openess and honesty need to be there.. and i don't know if this was a moment of weakness or not but i said we could try. Now.. I have NEVER gotten back with anyone man i've ever talked to before. So this is like new ground for me. I am wondering if i can try this thing again and not harbor any resentments for our past demise. I am wondering if he messes up slightly again if i will bring the wrath of j down upon his sorry ass. See.. am i ready for this? i don't know. I guess i don't know if i don't try. But im wondering. if this is a good idea. I wonder if he's only returning because he's lonely. or because he truly recognizes that he lost a good thing, or maybe he's horny. or maybe he realizes.. he truly recognizes that he gave up a GOOD thing. or maybe he wasn't lying when we walked by the water and he told me he wanted to spend his life with me.. see.. im slipping, tripping and i want to be able to get up if and when necessary.
i do believe this entry is less of a call for help and more of a necessity for my mind to be able to see the words out in text. and not just floating around in my head. on screen it doesn't look so bad.. i know people who have more drama. but then i wonder.. is it just because he getting close to 30 and he hasn't found his saint on the street/ freak in the bedroom yet and im the only one that came close? who knows.. lol. im tripping i know that for sure.
But still i must wonder.. and it's better to get it out of my head than to leave it there and let it drive me crazy all day.. i have more important things to have drive me crazy.. like anatomy.. I woke up friday morning reciting body parts.. Im loving my Massage Therapy classes.. and while i was afraid of anatomy before im actually liking knowing where my mandible, phalange, ulna, radius, coccyx, tibia and fibula are ! :) this is exciting..
:) much love and sanity
jam
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