love lessons- a poem by jamila j.

love lessons

i can only imagine.. you came to teach me something
that i really needed to know
when these are arms that no longer bring warmth
when i cry easier than i smile
when i wish the sun would never rise
then i know you had a purpose i never knew
you came to teach me something i didn't know

i would love to go back to when i never knew how to hate you
i would love to erase the months i lost
in blind and numb existance
when asking why was mantra of necessary insistence
when the answers that i was seeking
i realized would never come
when reality crashed and shattered with the simple message of
you were not the one

could only wonder if you knew how much pain you caused
could only wonder.. why the good suffer most
could only wait until the wounds sealed up and healed
could only wait again to learn to begin to feel

lessons?
or mistakes
i like to think this is a necessary evil and the past can't be erased
i would like to think there was something gained here
etched in stone in my face
something that says a sucker is born every minute
and a scholar born every day
and girls who get their hearts broken
graduate from childhood to womanhood.. with haste...
something that says
you will be forgiven and i will try my best to forget
only so that i may move on and not hinder my own fate
less i make any more mistakes
love is a chance.. i will cautiously take
my heart is a gift.... only the chosen will partake
loving blind is a decision i will never again make

lesson or mistake?
decisions to make
enemy or friends
desire and shame
funny how you still remember my name
funny how your emptiness makes you see
how much you really loved me
funny how i still cry when i think of your heart
funny how i know you are a path i can never walk
funny how we try to begin as friends
funny how.. my kindess will allow this to begin
funny how i know... we can never be
who we were when we had the chance
funy how i am cautious when i once threw
caution to the wind
and i will never get over our creations beginning and end
funny how..

lessons or mistakes
pain i can't erase
futures i approach
only cuz the past
is too distant for me to stay in
decisions clear
transitions bear
deserved love
the lessons of love
the lessons of pain
the lesson in starting over and
beginning again
the lessons in lessons
the lesson i see
the lesson in knowing...
self love...
real love
the lesson
of me
(C)2004 jamila j. 1/22