It's time....

There are distinct times in life when I know change is coming... and either I resist and put up a fight or a wait and see.. which usually means i go with the flow.. I have the sometimes annoying habit of wanting to know where things are going.. It could be me in the car with someone else who has the directions, it could be a day i didn't plan.. I like to know Sheeeet! It goes with my life to. I like to know. It's different when i plan it out.. cuz then i have a sketchy idea and if shit changes then well.. it changes.. but going with the flow is an extreme test.. and right now.. i feel the winds of my life changing..

I am not sure where i am going.. I just know.. I have people.. good people surrounding me.. These people we call Fam... and that "special someone". I feel complete with these people around and then there is family... and family.. some members of my family.. in particular are catalyst for this next season of change..
I wrote a poem about changes.. and how i couldn't stand them.. but i can stand this one.. even understand it..

oh my.. i remember now.. i met a psychic lady last week.. she looked at me.. for a few seconds and told me all kinds of stuff about me how i needed to really up and sing, my personality, but.. mainly.. that there are always men in my life who try to dominate.. and she grabbed me and shook me and told me not to let them.. that shit was crazy.. but then she mentioned like 2 in particular.. my stepdad and my ex.. my ex.. invades my mind. i've been working the last two weeks on being free of him.. and she saw this.. saw me screaming wanting to be free.. Why do i want to be free.. he is the asshole i speak of in previous post.. it's way past time.. and among other things.. though we have not been together for months.. i fear in intimate moments that his name will fall from my lips...and that disturbs me when our connection is severed and i have nothing but ill will for him.. and this new man... compares not at all.. Nothing compares.. generosity, attention, love, time.. nothing compares.. where am i now.. is so much better than where i was before.. mos def!

so it bothers me that i fear saying an assholes name in the midsts of my enthralling moments.. but it also dawns on me..
that i have NEVER really felt at home anywhere.. and my top priority is finding a new home of my own.. somewhere i can be and feel like me.. and there is a new man in the pic.. my mom's "friend".. he's a nice guy.. i guess.. but it doesn't really matter what i think about him.. it's just... his presence.. makes me feel like i should be leaving again..

Don't ask why i'm home to begin with.. i am in a transition period.. i came home for a reason.. and now it's time to go.. and even though my mom said i could be there until i got married.. i'm not getting married anytime soon.. but Ms Jam has GOTS to go!

so that's what i'm feeling.. a new homey/lover/friend, a new year, new ventures, a new book, a new cd.. a new home.. i feel all this coming.. and for a change.. i'm ready for change..

we shall see...