how do you get to that place where... your sunshine has come, your all cried out and there is no more rain in your cloud??? Cuz i want to be far away from here, jump in a taxi cab and get away fast.. but...

there is something holding me back.. and my cloud is still here and i feel like crying a river.. Seriously..

I hooked up with what i will now refer to as a jackass.. and have held on to what i will now call a facade of strength.. b/c last week i was like f-him... I'm straight and this week i'm kinda sedated.. but the fact remains... i had a dream last night and i didn't realize it till this morning coming back from Verses that my vivid, prophecy type dreams are returning.. I dreamt last night that he had returned and i was mad cuz i accepted him back.. but i woke up tuesday morning mad w/myself in that dream and reminding myself that he wasn't in town... but

Big sis told me that jackass who i thought was out of town till thursday showed up at the spot tonight while i was there.. he knows i'm there every tuesday.. and she told me she saw him.. well.. that pissed me the hell off.. and made me want to cry.. if anyone is counting and i guess that would be me.. i have had no contact with jackass since the monday after july 12...big sis said it's better i didn't see him.. and for his sake.. i think so.. cuz.. i feel like being in a ass kicking mood.. really i want to see my foot propel his skinny ass across 2nd street and up to broad... so uhh...

I know i am going through a withdrawl period. . . i just wish i wasn't.. and i hate knowing tears are on the verge of spilling forth and breaking my confidence and tearing away at my pillar of strength.. But truth be told.. I really haven't missed him, felt guilty or otherwise.. i felt free last week.. kinda melancholy this week. but now.. im pissed the f- off..

All I need is understanding..and right now.. nothing makes sense... if i wasn't wary before of entering new territory and opening my heart.. i am now..

if it leaves me feeling... sad, wanting to cry and mad... all not characteristic of my usually sunny disposition.. i don't want it.. the bible never said love was pain... it said it healed all wrongs.. where is that kind of love.. that is what i need right now.. my wrongs healed.. and my heart massaged so that all the kinks of hurt and disgust are gone...

thank you.. i had to get some stuff off of my chest.. so i could go to sleep..