to my true love.... a dear john letter of sorts

you used to be my sanctuary. my peace. my place of refuge and regeneration. But, I no longer run to you for comfort and reassurance.
please forgive me
i cannot place blame
for the neglect of my soul
others run to you now
as i once did
exalt your fortitude
your comfort
your endearing ear
but for these same qualities
i retreat from you
know you are forgiving
but i cannot forgive myself
and the healing begins within
so i will begin there....
my distance speaks nothing of my heart
just speaks to the discord within me
i still love you
but i cannot bring myself to seek you as my only source of salvation
the remnants of our connection lay scattered around me
remind me of how fluid we once were
and while i miss the depths we explored
i have grown and changed
hurt and been hurt
i am still me
but not the same me
don't feel as worthy of the healing
i know that's silly
but it's the "new" me
the hardened once again me
you once helped me explore and blossom my own heart
but i must forgive myself for the distance between us
start with my own heart
learn to trust me again
so that i may trust you
or at least honor you enough to respect that you may be the salvation for others
as for me and my "house"
we will find new ways to worship and honor this temple
new ways to express and love and be
but you no longer 'do it' for me
know i will always love you
know, my first love is was and will always be you
but my heart seeks new avenues
perhaps this is the 'next' level my elevation
you have laid the grown work
& i will follow suit
honoring you as the foundation
for any future pursuits.

thank you..for being there when i needed you to be there for me..
your progressive overstanding elevated tunesmith
j