i sometimes abhor life lessons... slink away from them like nasty men in cold dark alleys... refuse to see their presence... refuse their consistent tapping.. until i turn around and get slapped in the face with realization and the lesson. wait so long the drip becomes a gushing faucet and the tub has over flooded into my neighbors apartment.. a mess..
insecure. becoming secure has been a lifelong journey. when i was younger i believed i was an ugly duckling. unwanted, unnecessary. But my mother named me beautiful. I thought that was an ugly joke. didn't believe it. worked on developing my inner landscape. became a good listener, great observer, wonderful friend. became the person everyone felt comfortable around. by default i became me. the me i always wanted to be. by default i took better direction from my skin and my body. blossomed unwillingly. stuck to myself. stop looking for approval. denied the attention my focus on me beget. didn't care. ignored the signs so long.. they came back like crickets in the night.. waking me out of a peaceful city slumber.
took me a long time to accept compliments... realize and see their truth. by then.. i was too far gone.. didn't need my beauty or the fact that it was my name.. to rectify my securities. i was secure in me.. until rocked..
it always takes a test or an outsider to rock your foundation.. ensure your security. make sure you know what you know you know.. and i know now...
like kat williams says.. Self-Esteem, is esteem of your mother fucking self. can't no one take that or give it away.. it's yours... a gift to you from you and only for you. My self-esteem and my insecurities were tested.
am i strong enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, tough enough? as tough as i've had to be? and do i still need to be tough for this part of my journey.
this is my age of realization. time to shed what is no longer necessary re-evaluate the landscape of me.. i'm thinking of adding a rock garden, a fountain and some new benches.. make it a place not only i like to be, but people like to be in.
and it's usually that way.. but every house needs a cleanup every once in a while..
i guess it was time for my cleanup. i forgot some rules. let a new maid in without checking her references. let in some fix it dude without getting a referral. messed up some shit i thought i was comfortable having around. learned some things about how i like to keep my house. in the end. the maid kept taking my clothes, the fix-it dude bi-polar. the fix it dude was fucking the maid.. had to let em both go. they were making a mess in my house.. making it worse than before they came.. and in the end.. i realized a few things. learned a few things about myself. like. .it's better to clean your own house then to invite in unchecked strangers. got a little more guarded. like that's something i really needed! a little more cautious.. a little more aware... need to be on my toes. lock up my jewelry when i leave the house. lock my doors when i go to sleep. take more time to enjoy my own gardens.. and stop putting my house on display.
it takes time.. but some times some things have to get fd'up before you realize... it was all good .BEFORE! you introduced strangers into your peaceful abode.. gotta pay more attention to me.. and realize. i don't need strangers to validate or invalidate my worth, esteem or senses....im good. thankyou verymuch.
1 comment:
its still all good
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