contemplating goodbye

I've been thinking of closing this blog down for some time now.
The reason i started it and what it became are totally divergent paths of life.
I started this blog as catharsis. I had just broken up with a man i thought i was going to marry. I guess that was my first love. It was my first long term relationship. I hate when people say they went through alot with someone. No duh, that's life. But, I will say I made some sacrifices, lost a life, learned alot and the blog helped me to vent, move on.. grow.

I was alot more vocal and literal in those days, at least on the "page". I then met someone new and this blog was my escape, my little secret. I never told anyone about it. Just kept on updating my life online.

Then I met someone else, my life and i went through alot together lol. I told him to read the blog to learn about me. I'm assuming he read it. The blog eventually became a snowball. IT plowed through my real life. People began to read my words to use them against me, spy on me, see what i was doing, where i was going, if their lives matched up with mine, and where we intersected.

This blog became evil. A pock on my life forget society. I stopped writing. everywhere. This is not the only place i write, I actually keep and have kept a real paper journal since i was 9. I write the real shit there on paper. I write the skeletons, the stuff i feel comfortable with here.

But this place became uncomfortable. And while some of that shit was almost over a year or 2 now. I still feel like people check me out here. Check to see if i update what's going on, where i'm going what im doing. If I still criss cross their path.

In life.. I stopped writing even in my paper/ leather journal. So when i became depressed, frustrated and upset, i didn't write it. The word became my enemy and no longer my catharsis. No longer my healer. I miss it. I've held so much in I probably should have released. I drove myself crazy.

Slowly, I'm returning to me. The people I feel I let in and play with my life, have for the most part moved on.. and i still linger...

So, I've contemplated new places, new things, closing this blog, starting another, writing for profit, keeping my shit to myself like journals should be. moving on..

And I have started to move on. keep a journal in my bag at all times, keep to myself in real life, closed out my circle. tried to get focused on what really matters. have returned to the recluse i used to be before i got a little older and slight bit wilder.. im returning to my roots. So do i close the blog or just leave it up and make here and there post so people still know i'm alive??? I mean i never really thought anyone read this until my words boomeranged into my everday life....

this is what im contemplating.

in the meanwhile. I have enough drama to write a book, a novel, a play and 5 albums.

I want to thank the people who came here and made the last few years of my life interesting off the screen. thanks for taking my words out of context and rocking my boat a little.

so anonymous. tia. dana. and chameka.
thank you.... the evil triangles we created are more than eric jerome dickey could create.

you can stop being anonymous. we all know our places .. and unfortunately i never used my powers of writing for good here. i just created situations i would never believe on paper.

i wish the truth had really been shared. the truth is... im just me. i make mistakes and i've learned to forgive you just as i've learned to forgive me.

i hope we learn the best from our situations.

i once loved a man and i did him wrong, but the bits and pieces don't add up so i think/ i know he did me wrong too.

i once entertained a few women indulged their insecurities and learned about myself in the process. reached all time lows and all time emotional highs all in the matter of hours/ days/ weeks/ months and eventually years.

amazing were all hiv free. well let me take that back. i speak for me.

if there's once piece of peace you need. I'm HIV free.

all the unprotected sex we involved ourselves in.. you'd think people with 3-4 kids and multiple partners would be more careful. you'd think people over 20. would care about themselves more. but self-esteem especially the low kind is a motherfucker. insecurity is a bitch and i hope we connect with a higher power and get ourselves together..

the truth is.. i dated a man for 3 years. we had fights, we loved, we learned. i learned he had another girl. he never admitted to it, but we communicated alot she and i. alot of feelings got hurt. i loved a man who loved another woman. she thinks alot of the things i wrote about the first mans woman are about her. they weren't. some of the poems were. some of them were about both of them. in the end... it all falls down. everyone takes their broken pieces and retreats to their corners. the truth never really revealed.

but the reality is.. were all cowards. no one ever spoke plainly. text messages and chats are bad locations for communication and my blog is one sided. my side.

so do i use this place for evil or continued good. i believe this place is tainted by it's bad memories and actions.. so i think im gonna leave it up. and move on....

if you have anything to say about.. let me know... make yourself known. the anonymous messages at this point and time... are annoying and useless.. anonymous is usually one of 2 people and i know who you are.. if you want something to be known.. be the grown up you finally are...

i am..

love and peace
my apologies if i ever did you wrong and used my gifts in vain.
i am learning to forgive. forgetting is the hard part.

i wish you peace in your soul
and self love in your being...

it's the beginning..

truly
love
J