today on my see saw of emotions i am on the end where the fat kid is about to jump off and leave me hanging. or maybe flying across the playground. My emotional safety is at stake and that fat kid could care LESS.
sadly enough, in a reality/physical sense, I have been that kid let down by a bigger kid off to find a fate less satisfying, meeting the ground knee or head on. I was that kid and the other kids at camp hated me b/c after i fell off, the rest of the camp kids weren't allowed to use the seesaw. they blamed me for not landing, for getting hurt, but that fat kid that let me down so ungraciously &.. he didn't get blamed. but i got hurt, and i still have the scares to prove it.
over time i've gotten sorta used to being the outkast, the reason why people place blame or at least feel comfortable to place it on me. I've gotten used to the fact on occasion that people won't like me. the bigger question is why do i want/or feel i need them to like me.
that chick who was hating on me, b/c i had the attention of someone she wanted to focus on her. who wrote about me on myspace like i was immature...who caused me grief and drama and then more drama... she became a blip on the radar. who likes to reappear every know and then. it used to bother me that she didn't like me. but...why did i need her to like me? she's never going to like me. my best friend is the one she wants. she thinks im in the way.. when in reality.. she's in her way. im not going anywhere. im right here... being the enigma i always am. being.
but i need "him" to like me. b/c him liking me validates me. validates my love for me. shows me that i love me enough to love someone who loves me just as much as i do. but i love me more. ...but... i dont' need him to like me. fuck em. true freedom came when i realized.. i didn't need him to love me. b/c i loved me more than anyone else could. and it took me a long ass time to get to that place. but i love me so much i get offended when others can't reciprocate adequately. I hate having my love time wasted.
so in the end i realize... with adequate preparation. i could beat the fat kid as his own game... and when we tipped the see saw just a wee bit.. and i slid back.. just a weeee bit... i could send that fat boy flying.... as i stood on the ground...laughing my brown little ass off.
in the end there is no elusive love. it's impossible. i love me more than enough to realize that the love of me supersedes any superficial thought of an actual need for love. the only person i need to like or love me. is me.
if you don't. fuck u. i got better ways to spend my time than worrying about if you "like" me/ love me/ want me. if that ish isnt' evident to me through genuine attention and action then the committee of me,myself, and i ain't got no time to be wast. see sawing and what not while you get your act together...
got some worthwhile selflovin' to do
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