jaded

i am guarding myself against being the closed up, self contained being i know i can be. But i see myself retreating.

I hate depending on undependable people. But sometimes you need to. Yesterday, my car broke down, my brother came through for me. My co-worker came through for me. IT was cool. Then i had this odd experience where i got to speak to a child the very words i wish someone had spoken to me when i was younger.
He was upset b/c his father had yelled at him for making a mistake. His sister chimes in "he always uses bad words at us" oh my.. truth is he is a bit overbearing in the few interactions i've had with him i didn't like him too much either.... I grew up with a tryannical father like that as well. It was cool to be able to be that voice. Today, I saw that kid again. HE looked me in my eye and said hello with confidence. IT was clear he trusted me, had found someone he could lean on in me. I thought that was so cool. IT shows me I have finally come full circle. That scared closed up little girl is the adult who can be the shoulder for the next little kid. I like that.

But i wonder this afternoon how far i have really come. When i want to crawl back into my own little world and refuse the attention, words or presence of other people?

Maybe it's my fault for being so nice to people. Maybe i shouldn't be the shoulder other people need b/c when i need them they let me down. This is my life. Welcome.
Today, I needed some of the people i have helped to come through for me and I was left hanging. With some BS nontheless. I feel my shit closing back up. My kindness is not my weakness. It's a gift. Which i think i may need to stop giving. Until i find those i deem worthy of it.

nuff said.
J