i realize

this is my year for realizing ...
i realize.. i have spent so much time wanting people to accept silly crazy me. that now i accept me and could care less if you do or not. F U if you don't.

i've spent 20 odd years of my life trying to fit a mold, a desire, a position that wasn't my own.

I am not your perfect daughter, perfect employee, perfect wife, perfect girlfriend. As a matter of fact. I don't want to be. I resign. I can only be the best me I can be. When you see me in the zone. I'm working on that new agenda. ME. Fuck you. It's about me. If your desires for me don't serve my goals for me. Sorry we are not going in the same direction. I work hard for me.. I work hard cuz staying home with my own thoughts can drive me crazy. I work hard cuz it feels good and my lazy times are then more appreciated. I work hard cuz i want to. Fuck you. It's me.

I work hard cuz when i'm focused in my zone. My SHit is GOOD! and people request it . They ask for the same song night after night, maybe cuz the radio has trained us to be idiots but then again this is a voice that is blessed. You can call that arrogant if you want. But i was told three times tonight to stop stifling my own creativity and stop stifling me. So i can take a hint when it's thrown at me. I was also asked by 6 different people when i was going up. So that speaks for itself. These people don't talk to each other. Not for that single minded agenda. B/C if they did they would know to ask the host who was going up next. I'm not in it. I'm just here...

but this is my epiphany tonite. if your not going in my direction. get off the bus and/or out my car your extra weight is preventing me from speeding at the speed i am accustomed to.

maybe i'm ornery ,maybe this is how pms manifest itself in me after all the weight loss, maybe its me finding my voice but i like her here. I welcome her into the fold. Just as long as she ain't holding me back and i know what a bitch she can be.