in the sake of self education

i never thought i'd garner any life advice from sex in the city, but today i did.

I'm on season 4. I get it from Netflix. I'm watching it in order along with Charmed.

Season 4 Episode 8. My Motherboard, Myself. Has taught me about backing up my documents and letting down the guard i have kept around myself.

I've been protecting myself since I was in 2nd grade. From people who thought i had special privileges b/c my mom was a teacher at the school. From people who made fun of me b/c i was the only kid in school with dread locs. From people who thought my breast were something to oggle at. From my parents, ridicule, naysayers etc..

I've been on watch for so long, when someone comes along and is not threatening my person but threatining my since of security I'm broken. My aunt once told my boyfriend that she knew I wasn't letting him take care of me. Get close to me. I'm just like my mother. I guess I learned well.

How do you know when to let your guard down? I put up that last post in regards to a comment made to me about Soulmates. I don't know how i feel about them. I know there are people you connect with and I know there are people created for you and I even believe there are people who have come with you on this journey to share a lesson and you may recognize them this time around. So perhaps I believe in Soulmates. But that last post shows that soulmates though they may be people you connect with, can also be the person that causes you the most pain in life and after a possible explosion because of said connection a suitable relationship with contintued connection can continue.

So I'm wondering.. if the man who claims he's never cheated on me, who says he truly loves me, whose given me the most dramatic relationship of my lifetime. Is he my soulmate ? and is this moment in time our explosion? and while most soulmates don't make it through the explosion period, can we ? and if so, what's on the other side?

And if he is.. why am i still so protective of me or is that the lesson he's been brought into my radar once againt to teach me?

when is it okay to let go and let love? and will i ever be able to?

"
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it,
If you don't catch it,
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it
"when it hurts so bad" lauryn hill