i guess he'll never know

i like how i loves you's turn to i hate you's seemingly overnight.
he plans to erase me from memory. i wish he knew. i wish he understood.
but i am that bitch. that cold and heartless woman whom he loved and didn't love back they way he needed.
i wish he knew how much of a horrible person i feel like i am.
how long i've doubted myself.
i wish he knew.
but he's decided in exchange for his sneakers and his ipod and for my using the money i owe him to pay off our cell bill.. that it's over
that i never existed
i have issues with being forgotten.
but this is partly my fault. maybe it's all my fault. in his eyes.
i should have never held on so unsure.
but i did. not wanting to hurt him.
hurting us both in the end.
i just wish he really knew me.
but it's weird. to come into an already fucked up situation.
i never claimed to be perfect. never played the part. never expected it.
but pedastals get treacherous. get dangerously high. get hard to come down off of.
this "love" i don't want anymore.
i'd rather be cold hearted and overproctected. than to be vulnerable.
than to hurt other people over my unsure heart.
i know what i want.. don't knowif i'll ever see it. i live a life of fantasy.
perhaps no man will make me happy.
they can't.
i'm not happy with me.
no point in subjecting anyone else to my hell
until i can see my own light.
one day.
i guess he'll never know.
that the good parts... the memories.. i'll keep them
that more than with any other man.. i've never expressed so much emotion.
maybe he needs to see my tears.
perhaps its better he hasn't
we've broken up before.
this feels so routine.
yet so finite.
i wish he really knew me.
but it's too late
we've been gone.
for a long time now.