Questions I have no answers for …..
This morning I woke up thinking about 3 things. Singing, Biggie and My little sister.
On singing. This is is not a question. My sister is the situation I have no answers for. I am ready to sing again. I was told on Tuesday at the open mic by two different people that they came out to hear me sing. My thing.. I haven’t sung in months. So now its kinda rusty.. thought I kinda dig the throaty hoarse voice at times. It can be sexy it’s not my voice. So now I’m working on getting it back. I got plans for it.
On the B.I.G. I hate getting questions about BIG. I hate to talk about him, because once I tell people who love him that I grew up next to him a flood of questions starts that I can’t answer. To me BIG is the cool dude next door, the guy who even after his fame would stop by Jeans in Queens and say hi to my dad by name.. “What up Mr. Ferguson, the kids are getting big.” The dude who gave my dad dap. The same dude who was cool as shit and got mad at me once when I was like 10 and coming from MET and thought I could walk past him and not say shit… left me with…”Oh you gonna leave me hanging like wet laundry??” Those are my memories. They have nothing to do with fame and fortune. But please remember I was a kid then. Who remembers him hanging out with our friend Audwin, throwing games across the alleyway and hanging out on the stoop and who would say hi to me by name and was cool as shit.. The same dude who talks about my mom in his rhymes.
Case in Point.. The song where he says…” this goes out to all the people who called the cops on me when I was trying to get money to take care of my daughter”…. That un/ashamedly is my mom.. But my mom has no shame.. that she now has infamy on record.. To her, her only response is.. He was selling drugs on my street. And that’s not right.. She’s right. I can’t front. To her she had a family to raise in a good neighborhood. And if your following your crack commandments you don’t do that shit close to home.. she’s right… and indignant about that shit.. that she is now famous… lol.
On my sister. My little sister is the reason for this post. I was out working last night doing my Marketing PT and I get this text from my little sis that asks….. “Has mommy ever told you she loves you?” and to me that shit is mad random. But… I have no answer for her. I can’t remember the last time my mom told me she love me and I’m thinking.. she must have told me right??? But I can’t for the life of me remember when and while I haven’t been able to talk to my sister yet. I want to know what prompted this question. My text back was….
The last time I told mommy I loved her she told me I had mail at the house..
Maybe she’s never told me. Like I can’t remember my mom ever telling me I was beautiful yet I thought it was a cruel joke when I was kid that my name meant beautiful. I asked her why she named me Jamila. I don’t recall her answer, but my father says it’s because it’s the embodiment of who I am body and soul. Beautiful princess.. It’s taken me years to accept that.
Like when I walk away from a mirror I can never retain the vision in my head. I always have to go back to a mirror and recapture it and when I do I am usually surprised at the pretty person looking back at me. Beautiful one.
So …. I don’t know if it’s because my sister is getting married in June or what or what my mother did.. but..I can’t recall if ever.if .my mom has told me she loved me.
But she must have right…that’s what mothers do right…. Wrong… My mother comes from a unaffectionate tribe. A quiet tribe.. Like truly I hate to say I am part Indian. But if you look at my mom and my grandmom that ish is undeniable. My grandmother is Blackfoot and Cherokee. My grandmother is Cherokee. My great grandfather was an Indian Shaman. So I am not lying when I say my mom comes from a tribe. But I don’t know why her family is not very touchy feely. Not very affectionate. Not very showy of their love. It’s gotten passed down. My sister and my brother and I are a bit more affectionate than my grandmother my aunt and my uncle (who funny how the triad repeats itself) but I can’t explain it. It just is. So maybe… just maybe my mom has never told us she loved us. It’s not something I think about often. But now I wonder what this question I cannot answer has to do with my sister getting married and how my sister feels. Darn.. I hate being the oldest sometimes.. I feel an intervention coming …
Peace…
j
1 comment:
I love the meaning of your name. Wow, what a great post. I think a lot of people experience what you describe about your mom & saying I love you. My mom never got that from her mom & so she grew up & never really became touchy feely.
We say it a lot now that I am an adult, but as a child....I can't really remember it much.
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