Numbness is a friend of mine

Numbness is a friend of mine.  

Dear Friend:

There used to be a time that I loved you, a time when I spent all my time thinking about our future. I can’t tell you when that changed. I just know I spent more than enough time trying conjure back up the feeling. But I couldn’t, and though it’s a paltry sum for it’s parts.. I’m sorry.

I refuse to believe that we have wasted a year of our time. I feel like I’ve learned a lot from you. But perhaps, in your view, I have wasted yours.  I hate the fact that you tell me I have no reason to cry, that im selfish and uncaring.  In my mind, the fact that I’m even crying to begin with says a lot. I don’t cry often, I don’t like it. I tend to hold my shit in.

But if I haven’t been honest about anything else. I mean this. I’ll miss you. Truly and sincerely. Perhaps New Years Eve should have been the last time we saw each other. Maybe you should have just let it end at me walking away tears to the wind. Maybe we wouldn’t have wasted the better part of the beginning of new year. I don’t know. I just know, now.. it’s over. And I want to say I’m sorry. But sorry don’t fix shit.

I can’t even begin to ask if we can be friends, I don’t know what we would talk about now that the idea of a future together doesn’t hang in the balance for us. You don’t want to be my friend. You want to be my husband, for me to bear your seeds.  And while maybe you are right when you say, I’m just in love with having someone to love me. I refuse to believe that’s all there is.

I learned a lot from you, about me, about life, about being the geek that I am. But also learned, no matter how close to 30 I may be. I’m not in a rush to create a family. My dad always said I was a slow bloomer. You’ve been through a lot and so have I. I’m sorry we weren’t on time together. Sorry, I wasn’t ready to run to city hall today and make it official. You deserve that woman who loves you as deeply as you love. And I hope one day even if it’s not with you, I can be the woman that’s honest and loves just as deeply.

You keep telling me I’ll be allright. I guess so. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But I guess you’re right.

I’ve never been good with transitions in life. Always been a little hesitant with change.
So, I’ll bow out gracefully. Try to stop crying before it’s time for me to go to work and stop feeling guilty over my mistakes and follies. You deserve a better saner woman. I hope when you meet her, she’s ready for you. You’re a good man.

Goodbye,
Jamila

P.S. If you ever use that voicemail in a track. I want my royalties. Dammit! (