A new beginning

A new beginning.

I feel like a blank slate. Not because I have a new start. But because I feel a loss, a lack of sorts. My friends, have all the answers. My heart, my mouth and my mind are mute. At times I am full of a barrage of thoughts, but they don’t translate well to conversation.

My boyfriend and I couldn’t come to an agreement. Parted ways. And I’ve been crying ever since. The fault rest on me. I am the cause of many insecurities, frustrations and tears.  But I have my beliefs that he would have been insecure without me.

It’s evident in the ways before he knew that he implied that I could be spending our time apart with other men. Maybe it was all too simple, too easy, too flowing. I’m not sure. But I know me.  I know my ability to fuck things up. To sabatoge any good intentions. And this felt too easy, too right. Too lacking of something I don’t know of right now. He was very good to me. Very supportive and I’m trying to understand from this vantage point why I continually searched for flaws in him. I always looking for the fuck up; for the “other” woman, for the record, the disease, the history, that something I just could not tolerate.

In the end it’s the noncompliance to my whims. The way he doesn’t like that I still hang out with my ex’s. And I understand it. But I’m a packrat to the end. I don’t throw away people or things I think I may need later. Don’t know what I’ll need a heartbreaking producer for, since he’s promised to record me way back when and never has. IT can’t be that. Or the heartbreaking friend who just broke up with his insignificant other over ME!

That’s another story.. My “friend” broke up with his girl b/c she thought when he was going out playing poker that he was out poking me! And I hadn’t seen him in almost a year. Hadn’t uttered a word or rung his cell bell. Nothing.

But before that chick and that incident and this man. We were friends that talked daily. Just talked. My sounding board. I have a hard time letting go of my sounding board. The friend that rode with me to pick up my repossessed car two cars ago from Charlottesville, I needed a friend then. Sometimes I just need an ear now. But ….

I messed up. I admit it. But I didn’t know messing up hurt so bad. I’m trying to move on with no regrets.. But I’m wavering on my what if’s and maybes. And while I don’t want to cut this Good man off completely. He tells me the only way to work this out is to forget about him, get my shit together and holla maybe he’ll hear me. Most likely he’ll move one because the pain of loving me hurts too much.

My friends... tell me to fuck other people and their feelings and focus on what I want. It’s hard to tell an empathic person that. Empathic people naturally feel other people’s feelings and at this point, I’m not focused enough to tune them out. Separate that hurt from my own. Separate that person from the thoughts that maybe he was really good for me and I might be fucking up a good thing. I don’t know. I have no answers… I just need to get the words out of me.  I need clarity. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that.