You’ve never needed someone to remind of who you are, and you don’t need them now.

You’ve never needed someone to remind of who you are, and you don’t need them now.

“People often misunderstand genius for confusion, freespirit and flighty....
You don't and will never need acceptance from [your] crew, clicks or outside people…
You know who you are.”
–the one who matters.

Needless to say I’ve been feeling a bit closer to my feminine side.. this shit always sneaks up on me.. and I find myself on the verge of tears at a moment when I know the me I know I can be… would react with an uncharacteristically uncommon calmness.

That calmness is not who I am right now. I’ve found myself on two occasions in the last two days just knowing I needing a break and feeling like I want to cry. Only one time did I actually break my own fortress of hard uncallous feeling.

Perhaps it was the trip to David’s Bridal with my mom, sis, and future sis-in-law, that pointed out how much I just don’t fit it, or maybe it was the remark from one of our party of 4 that made me think: My family thinks I’m too laid back and flighty. I don’t want people to think of me as the flighty one. But why do I care? Really?

I realized.. being around my mother always makes me feel inadequate. Like I just don’t measure up. I’ve jokingly called myself the only idiot in a family of geeks. But I am a geek in my own right. Just ask the many co-workers who I’ve become IT for. I just don’t boast that shit. Haven’t applied myself accordingly to that BS degree. Don’t have aspirations on earning a Masters or a Doctorate.. Too much  BS in the way (

But yet and still I feel like she’s still waiting for me to announce I have a degree. When I finished Massage School to told me she was happy I finally finished something…

My whole life is unfinished.. I still need to take to National Exam to be an official Massage Therapist. And it will happen because it’s a something I believe in.. But not for anyone else.

I also had a shockingly strong realization today. I am NEVER having a traditional wedding. The bridal shop is not ME at all.. I really wanted to call my boyfriend and ask him.. hey babe…. When are we going to Vegas.. cuz if or when that step ever occurs.. I am not paying 400 for a dress, organizing too many people who think I’m flighty. Or buying food to feed them. F-that!

I can’t do it.. just the thought of it makes me want to run back home to my bed and lay there for a while staring at the ceiling.

Let the family be mad. But I am not going through that. Besides.. Among my other fears is a fear of divorce. Why pay a lot of money for an unhappy ending. I’m not Cinderella nor did I ever want to be.

There is a reason for my latest bought of  solitude If no one understands it. I do.. and I guess that’s all that really matters….

j