So what does this say about me now?

So what does this say about me??? Or what the hell do I do now?

My little sister. Is REALLY getting married. I agreed to be a bridesmaid. I saw the david’s bridal book and like the dress she’s picked out. I hear from my sister that my mother is finally getting excited about the whole thing. And truly madly deeply. I am happy for her. I always knew she’d get married first. She the most head strong of us. I just wonder..

What this says about me?
I haven’t told my family what I know. But I wonder if I’m even ready for commitment. For the pageantry of a wedding. For a family of my own. Am I ready for that? Is that ready for me? Is that’s what’s next? I still hear my stepfathers voice echoing in my ears that I’m a late bloomer..

I argue that I just take my time.. Whatever that may be. Years, months, days, seconds. I take it. It’s mine. It’s my own little bit of control.. And I cherish it.

Like the past few weeks. My boyfriend (for lack of a better term) has been in New Orleans, and I’ve been taking the time to self evaluate.. Which after two weeks feels like I’ve been isolating myself. Further echoed by mother when I stopped by the house to drop of my little (6 foot tall) brother.  “Where’ve you been hiding? “ I told her I was sick. Which I was.. But I just don’t find myself over there often..

But I did find myself feeling a bit melancholy after dropping my brother off, talking to my mom and grabbing another handful of mail and belongings from my room at her house.  I drove off alone.  After spending two weeks relatively alone sans the 8hrs I spend at work or the 5 I spend at the open mic every Tuesday.. I’ve been alone.

I sleep alone. Wake up alone. Eat alone. Go running in the morning in the park alone (cuz I don’t’ like running with other people it’s my peace and thinking time) Eat alone again if I’m eating again.. then go to work alone where I spend time with other people for only 8 hrs of my day.. then I come back home.. I don’t even IM or send that much personal email.

So today.  I went to church. I go to a large church. I spent time with my brother went to the 2nd Street Festival,  watched movies back at my place. Took him over to my sisters where we talked and ate and watched Napeloeon Dynamite, then went to my moms.. now back here.. I wanted to cry on the way home.. In my need of comfort… I stopped by buffalo Wild Wings.. saw a friend of mine.. but didn’t want his companionship.. besides.. he was a bit upset that SanFran was losing. Sorry dude.. but here I am.. still thinking if I listened to another sad song.. I’d be starring at my ceiling fan watching the blades blur and feeling the pillow become damp.

After all this alone time… I realize.. I don’t want to come home alone… or go home to an empty home..

No doubt I love my Buffalo Wild Wings and Movies Sundays.. but.. .

I can’t recall the last time I felt melancholy about coming here by myself…

I never have..

This apartment is my new haven. My new independence.. my new shaping ground.. after living in something close to psychic hell… but now…

My alone time, then force back into the flow of people… makes me see a few things..

So what does this say about me now??…
What do I do now????
We shall see..
j