i see clearly now....

I've been responsible lately.. doing things like paying my bills on time.. Now i realize why i never do it.. While i like having my lights on and my shit working right and my car outside where i leave it..... I don't like this feeling of knowing i can't use my visa check card at random.. whenever i damn well please.. cuz.. well.. homie.. after payday.. i actually did some adult type responsible shit and used all the money not on a new jacket or some new pants that hug my almost non existant black girl ass and make it look my momma actually gave me something to work with... or maybe even fed my twin vice of words or music... no.....

i paid the rent and the car note and the cell bill and i now know what broke is.. i never allowed myself to know broke but satisfied.. to know that i got a place to still call home or a car still waiting for me when i leave for work..

but i know it now.. and part of me is proud of me.. for sacrificing.. those nice jeans i've been eyeing.. or for actually listening to music online instead of adding to my cd collection..

no.. i have food in my fridge and a roof over my head.. and part of me.. is proud of me for finally getting it down.. and part of me.. is mad at me.. for not taking myself up on the challenge..and pushing myself to be a full fledged songwriter.. so i wouldn't know days like this..

wouldn't know a balance below a few thousand(which is what my mom calls broke) or to know what 3digits on my balance reciept look like.. and those 3 digits aren't followed by some fellow zeroes or 9's.... no.... i've been scared...

i'm scared of alot of things.. scared of becoming my mother.. but yesterday when i stopped over to visit and see my uncle and transfer my stepfathers ashes with my siblings.. i noticed. where i get my tendancy to flip in conversations... and just totally change gears.. or just be able to walk away.. cuz i've suddenly gone a new track and changed my mind... after a childhood and teendome trying not to become her.. i find...

i bear her smile, her silliness, and her intelligent scatterbrainness... i've become her...
My Mother....
and it's not scatter brained in a bad way.. it's your brain having the ability to think about several things at once so while others are in mid conversations.. you've already thought of ten things and moved on to tomorrow.. it makes people think your crazy.. but it's a sign of high intelligence.. let my boyfriend call me a geekopedia.. but ask who found out how to download the programs on his new phone!!?!? you can kiss my geek arse..

i better embrace it... like i better embrace this new guitar.. and teaching myself to play it.. so i can never know days like this.. where 3 digits in my account = 2.13 and not the beginning of 213,000... or 2.13 million. i like those numbers.. :)