The M Word

On top of many things I am an L word Fan.. I am not gay.. but i think it disturbs my mother's highly homophobic boyfriend when he comes by and i'm watching "That Gay show again" or the show with "Them Lesbians" he thinks all gay people are predators out to "gitchu" and i've ceased to put good sense into his already crammed with chicken and sloppy joes brain. It's not worth the time. But it's not Lesbians I fear. Hell, my lesbian friend got me hooked on the show. It's Marriage.

I ran into an old coworker today at Target. ( I learned on my favorite hair board that Daily Defense Daily Conditioner is no longer being made.. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!) ok that was random as shit.. but at Target i ran into a beautiful Nigerian woman i used to work with who is moving back to Boston and getting married next week :(. Sad to see her go, but she looked so happy. A classmate of mine in Massage School is getting married next month and told me today in class i have to be in the front row when she tosses the bouquet.. I am not a fan of bouquet tosses or of other people thinking i should be front row and center when one of those UFO's come flying in my direction. (Unwanted Flying Object) Another coworker of mine is engaged. People in my age bracket, people i know are dropping off like flys into that sho fly pie of marriage.. and iam not being hoodwinked.. Though maybe i am. ;)

For many reasons.. I am beginning to slowly understand some things as is the J Way. I dont' get to choose him. HE knows when he meets me. When he met me. When you have a connection with someone like waking up at the same time when your together and then having that same affect on each other when your miles away. Well...

what if i got it all wrong and it's not up to me to find "the one" and shack up, have an extravagant relationship ceremony and then go off and be fruitful. What if.. i am supposed to do what i am doing minding my business and he is to seek me, find me, strangle me down and show me the light.. then i should be cool with it right.. ????

For some reason.. i feel like i usually feel. Like i'm the last one to get to the punch table.. and there is one cup left, but it fell on the floor and there is really not much punch left, but i'm thirsty. And i can wring out a cup of i wait. I feel... lost. I feel like everyone got called and i missed it. I feel... scared as shit.. but almost content.. that i could meet someone who appreciates me down to my corniness and knack for using old slang just to confuse "the people" who makes time for me across the spans of time and space and who is stern enough to give me the direction i need but playful enough to balance me out.. and at times supercede me. but loves me unconditionally.. and i am finally at a point Not where i feel i dont' deserve this.. but where it feels like right.

yet... the M word.. is a terrain.. i am not quite sure i want to battle. even my little sister is moving out this weekend and is engaged.. and im not mad.. i always knew she'd be first.. i expected this. She in essence is the older sister.. spirit wise. we got the timing mixed up.

but still..

I didn't plan to go on a different tangent.. and maybe this is what that friend i mention b4 means by me letting life happen to me.. i let my writing go all over the freaking place but i had a point..

Marriage is all around me.. and i dont' see the gotdamnd rush. there i said it. done..

goodnight.. j.