If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you've always got

or rather from Benjamin Franklin :
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

So, I'd rather not say I'm unstable and insane.. but while working tonight my friend brought to my attention that in general she feels that I just let life happen to me. My intitial reaction is to get offended. How dare she accuse me of living like that! Give me an example? I can't stand when people pick you apart but then can't pinpoint an exact moment of this behavior. So, Friend brought up an example that which really wasn't on point. So i kinda withdrew my talons and relaxed a bit came up with my own example and owned my shit. It's very true. I do let alot of shit happen. I call it going with the flow. Some call it lazy. I call it not having a plan and being ok with it.

But! I'm not okay with it. And when someone else brings your shit to the surface well then it begins to really stink. Cuz it's no longer a personal issue. People are seeing my flaws and calling them by name. And while I am comfortable with you calling me a poet or singer and asking for requests. I am not comfortable with being called lax with my life or weak for not standing up for myself and my own decisions.

i hate when i do this, but! I can see the direct correllations with my childhood and I understood why I act the way i do. I just haven't changed my reactions to this stimuli. So I am passive aggressive. Like with the being late to job thing. Did i mention that I called the temp agency last Tuesday 2 days into the assignment to say I really wasn't happy. But they convinced to me to try and work through the tough transition the company was going through. And because deep down i really didn't want to be there.. I started acting up, by doing what i know would irk the manager . Come in late.. for the last 3 days i was there. Passive Aggresive. I didn't want to be there. But instead of standing up for myself.. I let it kinda happen. I'm not even upset really, I didn't want to be there. I wish you guys had listened to me. No matter how perfect the fit would have been. I wasn't happy. And it's not like i couldn't have done the work. I reorganized the file cabinet like a first rate pro. I just couldn't do it. I was bored there.. How many weeks can i file the files? I may only have 4 years of college with no degree to prove for it.. but i went to college for four years... I didn't learn how to file papers in school. Nor do i have thousands of dollars of debt just so i can file papers..

Nor do i pay thousands of dollars so i can learn how to massage and heal people, just so i can FILE FUCKING PAPERS!.

ok.. so there.. I'm angry.. enjoy it now.. It doesn't happen often.. And that's another thing..

I'm not really a fighter or fiesty type. I'm laid back. I know how my bad my bite can be.. Even i am afraid of it. So i work on being calm and cool and nice.. It's my new personna.. but apparently.. maybe it's not working..

I know some areas of my life that could benefit from me making a plan and taking a stand..

BUT, I must also consider my source.. This is from a woman.. who with a degree, aparment, job and car, no kids.. doesn't know what she wants out of life.. doesn't want to work, but doesn't really know what she wants.. so while that doesn't discredit her opinion.. I wonder if it qualifies her to give me life coaching advice. Nah Mean? I'm just wondering..


in retrospect this last paragraph comes of kinda mean.. i don't mean it that way.. but im saying.. it's 3am.. i need to be in bed..