How open should I be on these pages? How bare should I stand before you.
I heard some shit I heard before that greatly disturbs me. And today.. it really pissed me off.. Made me wonder. How many times I have placed trust in people who did not have my best interest in hand. ???
See.. one should never ignore their own intuition. Mine is scarily on point to the point that I begin to ignore and doubt it and I pay for it. I should know better.. I'm not really the 23 I feel. I am 27 according to my birth certificate.. yet.. in some ways.. I am that early 20 year old. I am naive. I am unaware. I am young.
Yet not dumb. Like.. Right now to be honest I am scared. Someone I trusted has placed my life in harms way. Who knows how many times. But I have let myself be in their presence bare and I am not easily able to do that. So for me.. To bare myself is a surprise and a gift. Yet.. the people I give it to. Always tell me that are unworthy of my brightness, my glow, my joy, my smile. and I want to tell them. If I am sharing it with you. You are worthy. But I am not god. I am J. And while God really has the job of loving us all. I am only asked to be like God or Jesus or whomever the leader is. But that is not my job. I can't do God's job. It's impossible. and that is probably my down fall.
Trying to be the sunshine for everyone that when I need light. I can't find it. When I need help I can't get it. There is a balance.. and I thank you all the former assholes in my life..even the first man I ever wrote about in my blog.. For putting me in harms way.. for making me see.. that you didn't deserve me... and that I should be more cautious of who I share myself with.
In the end.. the only person looking out for me is Me and God and Even God has given me free will.. So my actions are all mine...I'm owning that shit..
Can't own others actions.. but I trusted certain people that I let my guard down and maybe I laid in that street.. willingly and let my self get run over. . . I don't think I deserve to pay.. but.. nonethless.. we pay somehow..
I hope some good songs come out of my sorrows.. so I can rejoice everytime my royalty checks come rolling in. ...
2 comments:
JAm-Illa the Thrilla... you should know who it is... been keeping up with ur blog... decided to take the plunge too.... rebirth2001 right on this site... holla
I hear you loud and clear luv. I can definitely relate to the part:
"Trying to be the sunshine for everyone that when I need light. I can't find it. When I need help I can't get it." It's a day-to-day struggle that right now, is showing signs of my winning which is mainly because of my undying fortitude. Do you luv. That's all that matters.
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