good intentions

i came home with good intentions of writing a nice entry and taking my happy ass to bed.. but i fell asleep on the living room floor while the laptop was starting up... so i never go to that.. i had all kinds of insight.. but if i fell asleep it might have disapated with this mornings dreams...

but lets see.. what and if i do remember

oh.. i did my smile poem last night.. and at the end of the night I was talking to a friend of mine.. and he said.. i was smiling but it was not my usual genuine smile.. and i was mad he could see that.. but after he said it i couldn't stop smiling but he said it still wasn't real...

so that made me think.. of the line...

somehow you have managed to water down my smile
it looks like a smile/ feels like a smile/
but fools no one/ this smile doesn't smile like the smiles
of past remembrance/
i need you to add back my happy/ b/c i can no longer fool the crowd
even the mask i wear is faulty
and all i want back is my smile
but i am missing
the joy that once fueled it's genesis
and the genuine ingredients that kept it real
no longer exist...
i just want to be happy again
i need back my smile..
for real..
Copyright(C)2003 LuvJam. All Rights Reserved.

well it was a line.. that first one.. it grew into a poem...
big sis made a comment last night @ verses about artist and their gifts and how you really have no control over how it comes.. it's like god reaches out his/her hand and just touches you.... there is a movement she does a tipping down of the head and extending of the arm like she is anointing /gracefully touching someones head.. it makes the comment that much more effective.. but it's so real.. it's like you've been blessed... you can't control .. that.. and you know it when you write it/create.. you didn't come up with it.. Your just transcribing..

so that's that.. i don't know what other insights i had.. except another friend made a comment to me about how i hugged too many people (aka:guys) and need to stop that.. I laughed and said, "that might be the reason why i don't have a boyfriend now" but we won't go into that.. the fact is.. i shouldn't be laughing.. b/c it's been part of the "problem" my only thing.. i have no problem with it.. i know mad people.. i great them like fam... hugs and smiles. handshakes for people i don't really know... but it's always been like that... but it irks me slightly that someone else saw it and commented on it.. i feel like it's an innocent gesture.. but obviously others have commented on it in the past.. when i had a boyfriend i could consider my boyfriend outloud and to myself.. his friends who play in the band every week told him of my behavior.. they thought it was a sign of me acting "very flirtatious" i don't know.. i felt i knew where my heart was... (i had a single pointed focus)

but it's funny to me.. i am the only one caring for my heart (so it seems) and i go home alone everyweek always go home alone... if a hug was that persuasive.. wouldn't i be going home with someone else...see.. it never happens.. i wish people could see what i see somtimes... or at least know what i know.. that may be what the last girl you knew did.. but i hate having to say it... but i'm not that other girl... I'm me... i can't be lumped in with the chickenheads and golddiggers, baby's moms or psycho's... i'm silly yes... but unique... i wish people could see that and accept that.. the signs don't always read the same...